Standard of Living

It would appear that I have a slightly different standard of living to everyone else. Not in status or level of living (I live like a troll and survive mainly on cornflakes) but in what I feel is acceptable. This came to light when I was at a friend’s house and I went upstairs to use their bathroom. Whilst I was there I thought I’d have a nose through their bathroom cabinet, sadly the door came off in my hand and I made rather a lot of noise. When I went downstairs I was asked what I’d been doing. Unable to think of an excuse quick enough I said “I was looking in your cupboard and the door came off”. From the looks on everyone’s faces you’d think I’d said “I was being sick in your bed”. Now if someone was going through my pant drawer, or I came upstairs to find them dressed in my clothes using my toothbrush, then I’d be a bit miffed, but looking in my bathroom cabinet wouldn’t bother me at all. It made me think of all the other views I hold that no one else agrees with.

Scarlett Johansson is not attractive.
In fact she is quite unattractive. I went to see ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ the other day. It was very good. Only enhanced by the woman behind us saying at the end “So is this based on a true story?”. Natalie Portman was very good in it and was stunning. Absolutely stunning. Scarlett Johansson looked like Pob. If Pob was ever so slightly deformed and had a flesh beak for a mouth. And she can’t shut her mouth. It’s constantly hanging open. She just mings to be quite frank.

Fawlty Towers is not amusing
I understand that is very well written and beautifully performed and has stood the test of time etc etc. It should be admired on it’s own terms and respected as it set a new bar for comedy etc etc. But after watching an episode, usually on a plane where I have no choice, I am usually reduced to shouting “oh come on. Just explain”. It’s incredibly frustrating and irritating and there are better things out there. Some Mothers Do Ave Em affects me in a similar way. I do not find Frank Spencer amusing. I want to beat him. About the face.

Ice Cream is Disgusting.
It is dirty, dirty filth and should be banned. Whereas calipos and frozen water lollies are great, ice cream is grim. In fact the majority of puddings are horrible and the whole course could be done away with and replaced by a nice cup of tea. Now I know that I don’t look like I turn down a lot of puddings, but I find that I am able to maintain my fatty boom boom status through savoury alone and the odd bit of chocolate. Especially the odd packet of chocolate buttons. Indeed ever since I threw a tantrum in the office over my need for chocolate buttons, I have been overwhelmed by them. But it doesn’t happen often. And I have never longed for ice cream. When I was younger I was at a friends house and his mum offered me an ice cream float. Having never heard of one I accepted and then saw her heavily soil a perfectly good drink by putting ice cream in it. The resulting mess she gave me repulsed me and made me realise that not only is ice cream disgusting it is also evil as it ruins good things.

The Original is not always best.
Now I know that the majority of things should be left alone, classic films, classic songs, Melanie Griffiths face. But the original is not always the best and there is nothing more annoying than mentioning a song and someone butting in and saying “well of course it’s not a patch on the original, oh my god have you never heard it? What a philistine you are, you obviously don’t know music and should have your ears cut off”. And I am not saying that I prefer Ray Quinn’s version of “My Way” over Sinatra’s or CandyFlips version of “Strawberry Fields” over the Beatles. I am saying that I like “The Tide is High” by Blondie rather than the Paragons. Just because it wasn’t the original doesn’t mean that it can’t be improved. Then someone goes and releases a remake of “The Italian Job” and you realise your theory has a massive flaw in it. Perhaps my whole belief system is flawed.