About Me

My photo
Book out now on amazon! Buy, read, enjoy, tell your friends, buy a spare copy.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

The Art of Self (ie)

I'm not sure I have an opinion on Kim Kardashian. I am torn between 'oh good on her, what harm is she doing' and 'Oh for the love of Pete bog off and take Kanye with you'. (On a side note is it CAN-yey or KAHN-yey? It would seem that which ever one I say people laugh). She seems to have made a fortune out of getting married and being followed around by a camera crew. It's difficult to type that sentence without it sounding judgemental but I honestly don't care. I wouldn't want to do it (and no one is offering) and it looks flipping awful but she seems to be good at it and we're the ones buying photos of it. But now she has a book out. A book of selfies. 

I haven't read it, I shall wait for the local library to get a copy, but it has been handily condensed in many newspapers and websites. For example this one:  Buzzfeed Kim Kardashian.  Now we've all seen the Paper Magazine pictures which broke the internet and we could be justified in wondering what on earth there is left to show us. The answer is about 3000 pictures of herself. In cars, in loos, in changing rooms, that's a lot of self. But, damn it, she takes a good selfie. 

She must have the arms of Mr Tickle. Every normal person (Non internet breakers) attempts to take a selfie, drops the phone, tries to get their whole head in plus a little bit of background, fails. At the same time you try and remember if it is taking the picture from above or from below that makes you look all cheekboney and sultry. You end up taking one from both angles. From above you have an enormous forehead and have accidentally included an acre or two of cleavage in the photo. From below you have seventeen chins and the view of an ENT doctor straight up both nostrils. 

You find the right angle and then blind yourself with the flash. 

Whilst still dealing with the temporary cataract you've given yourself you flick through the 72 photos you took. You have one usable one. But what the bloody hell are you going to do with it. Us mere mortals can rarely get away with posting a picture of our faces on the internet and captioning it 'Make up looked good today' or 'LOL' (Both classic Kim captions) we therefore have to include something interesting in the background to justify why we have taken the photo. Which leads us back to the massive head problem and Mr Tickle arms. Why we think a picture of the Eiffel Tower would be improved by us shoving our head in to shot is debatable. 

If there are a group of you these problems are multiplied by the number of people trying to get in the photo. At some point you will realise it's easier to simply take it turns to take the photos. These photos are also easier to display. Unless you have a wall of photos of yourself in your house. Which I kind of suspect Kim does. 

And on that note here is my favourite selfie of Kim and Kanye. It is brilliant for many reasons. 
1. They are in a public (or badly decorated private) bathroom. 
2. The photo is rubbish, half the sink, towel dispenser all in shot. 
3. Kanye. He looks like Tony the Frosties Tiger forced in to clothes. 
4. Kanye. He has voluntarily worn that. 
5. Kanye. That's an eagle vest top from Harlow market and a necklace that was last seen on the Queen Mother. 
6. Kanye. From his stance he was in that bathroom to use it not have his photo taken. 
7. Kanye. This is his 'cool' face. 

Thursday, 7 May 2015


There's a new post coming (honest) but in the meantime here is something I wrote for Bridget Whelan's Creative Writing website. I can't recommend her website enough as a resource for writers.