I try and be sophisticated. I try and make it sound like I lead an interesting life and then it comes to this and all I can really form an opinion about is X Factor. Is it some form of defence to say that I watched it at midnight after actually being out and socialising with people? I’ve got it down to a fine art. I can watch an episode in about twenty minutes. Fast forward all the pre-performance VTs. You know the ones...Little Mix went to a film premiere this week, coincidently so did Marcus, if you are truly hanging on the edge of your seat, wondering what Misha has been up to this week then I can only assume you are the type of person who is genuinely frightened by a Jack in the Box. Next fast forward most of the judge’s comments, it’s worth having a brief look at Louis to see if he loses the plot again and calls someone ‘A little Lenny Henry’ or ‘the next Su Pollard’ but the rest you can whizz through. Gary won’t like it, Kelly will burble incomprehensibly with her caps lock on and Tulisa will try and be serious about the music, which when someone has performed a mash up of Justin Beiber and the Supremes is a bit like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.
Oh and Janet went, she went. Sure she’s a lovely girl but she was slightly squashed in a competition where she was forced to yelp everything in exactly the same way. If forced to sing something which had a vaguely faster tempo she would forget the words. Or in the case of MmmBop dry heave all the way through it. She shouldn’t have held back, the sound of her retching and vomit splattering across the stage would have been nicer than what actually was broadcast. You don’t need the X Factor Janet, stick to your style and if anyone forces you to dance or sing the Jackson 5, heave on them.
So there are four left and they now have to sing two songs each week. Which is great news for the dancers of Britain as it seems that Marcus requires at least 40 people to do a bouncy walk behind him as he struts diagonally across the stage leading to a slight knee bend in front of the waiting camera. I presume he has it written in to his contract that he must be allowed to recreate the dances from West Side story regardless of theme.
Misha, I am would like to tell you about Misha but I was distracted by her one freaky fingernail. What is it for? It must be a nightmare for her to put moisturiser on. It must all get caught under there and she has to spend hours scooping it out. The costume budget must have gone down as well. The first week she had a crown and a throne and an Alice in Wonderland costume made out of newspapers. This week she was in a pair of Primark leggings. Next week she’ll be in her pyjamas and carry the props on stage herself.
Little Mix were dressed as diner waitresses this week because.... well just because. One day I hope these girls will be allowed to have some production money to buy some new shoes rather than being forced to wear trainers every week regardless of the rest of the outfit. It reminds me of a party I went to at junior school. What I was wearing didn’t go with my school shoes, my trainers were caked in mud and so my mum and me had a very serious conversation about whether slippers or wellies would be more appropriate. Slippers won. So I went to a party in a lovely outfit and bunny slippers.
Who’s the fourth? Oh Amelia. Not a good sign that I forgot her. She is unique as she is allowed a second name. She is Amelia Lily and the candy floss hair is slowly fading. She had to sing right in to someone’s face on Saturday. Which was as awkward as it sounds. Amelia can sing and she has a journey – she was in, then she was out, then she was back. Perhaps she should sing the hokey cokey whilst biting back tears to sum up her journey.