So we are only two weeks in and we have already lost five contestants from X factor. Now let’s be honest. The ones that went last week weren’t shocking. They were merely the ones who were put through so they could be culled in a “shocking twist” and then the competition could begin properly the following week. If you genuinely thought John-Joe was in with a chance then you don’t deserve to have ears. As for the others. Two Shoes were a lot of fun and could sing but clearly the production budget didn’t stretch to the sheer volume of bisto it would take to keep those two oven fresh. They also didn’t seem to be able to count how many shoes they need to cover all of their feet so things could have got confusing later in the competition. Amelia. Fine until you realise that she’s only 16 and then she becomes terrifying. I can’t even remember who the boy was… he sang a Beatles song in an incredibly boring way….. nope. He has no name. Bernie? He wore a hat.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone of Wagner proportions this year, which is a shame as I love a bit of bongos . Louis tried when he put Goldie through but it prompted a twist no one ever saw coming – ‘X Factor contestant in self awareness shocker’. So now we have no one who is going to come on and dance like a bear on hot coals and upset the voting when people who can hold a tune go out over someone who sings without a second thought for tune or scanning. Let’s have a look at who’s left (if you could imagine all the catergories and names being bellowed in a Peter Dickinson style voice then you’ll find you enjoy this a lot more).
Being headed up by Kelly Rowland, which is fairly impressive, even though Kelly’s main aim is to keep mentioning her single title ‘Put it down’ at every available opportunity. Even to the point of correcting herself ‘You shut that down, no you PUT IT DOWN’. It’s never an idea to have a catch phrase that sounds like you’re scolding a troublesome dog.
Can be summed up in one word. Nice. Nice voice, nice looking, nice girl. Yeah, she’s alright. She’s nice. Don’t bother getting too attached though. As yet she hasn’t PUT IT DOWN
Why she is called Micha B is beyond me as there isn’t another Micha and they need to differentiate but there you are. I like this girl as I remember her audition and not just for the fact that she PUT IT DOWN (please) but because there was a whole VT about who going to the audition on the bus (while dressed in a very short skirt) and how she dreamed of a better life only to get to the audition and her whole family was there. But they hadn’t been on the bus. Why did they drive and leave her to make her own way? Either way she’s very talented. Her performances are the ones you don’t fast forward through and anyone who remasters Charles and Eddie is someone I want to see more of.
I don’t like her. Obviously I don’t mean ‘her’. I’m sure she’s fine. She’s sixteen she’s never met another human before as she was raised by horses in Ireland ( I think that’s what her VT said, I drifted) and she’s now being branded as ‘incredibly different and new’. Or she sings like the woman from the Cranberries and sings every song really, flipping slowly and occasionally her voice cracks. Just in case we’re not sure how Irish she is, her hair has been dyed orange. Nice girl but I don’t want to listen to her. I want her to PUT IT DOWN
Being mentored by Gary (hot) Barlow. According to the VTs they are at a slight disadvantage as Gary waits until the Saturday rehearsal before saying ‘I don’t like it, it’s the wrong song’ and then changing it. As all they seem to sing is Snow Patrol/The Feeling/Daniel Merryweather interchangeable dirge this shouldn’t really effect their performance at all. Apart from Craig. Craig does his own thing. And points.
I mention him first because he’ll be gone first. He needs a wash. He is alledegedly a cheeky chappy. This is slang for ‘knob’. He has all the names of a load of girls he slept with tattooed on his arse, he has hair that has been knitted out of a tramps pubes and wears trousers that he has vacuumed formed on to his own legs. He’s already been in the bottom two because he sings like a breathy, tuneless halfwit. He also screws his face up like he’s feeling the emotional torment of every word of the song…or his trousers are giving him gip.
He should be everything I hate, yet I only hate that I love him. He is Mary the bellower from last year made in to chunky man. He snarls at the camera, he points at the camera, he’s sassy, he treats the camera like the naughty girl it is and he does it all with Bob Carolgees haircut. He’s bravely attempting skinny jeans. He’s a hero for our time.
Marcus can sing. He can dance, he seems really nice. He can sing- he really can. And yet he was cast as the underdog before he even started. Why? I genuinely don’t have an answer. Gary, sort it out. Give the boy something to do.
Mentored by Tulisa who is allowed not to have a surname. She has some tattoo on her arm that she waves at the camera. I don’t know what it says. She should be annoying but she’s actually very sensible.
Put together at Boot Camp and are surprisingly good and don’t hate each other. Slightly disturbing taste in Waistcoats but that’s probably not their fault.
A girl group who are actually good shocker. Utterly disturbing taste in clothes though. It’s a bit like they’ve covered themselves in glue then ran through a market stall in 1988. However all this is overshadowed as there is a girl in the group who looks astonishingly like Carol Voderman and I am constantly distracted by her.
THE OVER 25s.
Louis just doesn’t learn. His idea of heaven is a Spanish disco in 1982, ideally with party games and people being “wacky”. You can imagine him watching Timmy Mallet and wetting himself, slapping his thigh and saying to his carer ‘those glasses are just too big Ian. Too big HAHAHAHAHA”. Sadly for his contestants it’s game over. You don’t have a hope.
Can sing albeit insanely high. Sadly now Louis has his hands on him he’s being turned in to some terrifying shiny disco robot who comes on as the ‘comedy act’. This could be down to Goldie leaving and Louis being deprived of his funny act. Poor Johnny.
Can’t spell her own name which is a bit of a shame. She is also this year’s bellower. She’ll stand still and shout a song out. Also thinks that wobbling her lips extends notes. She’s legally contracted not to be able to sing a song that was written post 1995. She is power ballad made flesh