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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Commercial life

I am thinking of living my life in accordance to adverts. I have ascertained the following rules 1. People only shave their legs if they are going on a date or want to leap on to a bus in a 1950s style skirt. You never see an advert where a woman says 'Good grief I look like a gorilla. I'm going to need a scythe to get through this'. Which would actually be a better selling point. 2. Laxatives works in a kind and gentle manner and allow you to lunch with your friends. Rather than cripple you with an explosive bowel and make you unwilling to laugh without laying towels down first. 3. When you clean your teeth you must immediately run your tongue over your teeth and smile at yourself. You must also always wear a white t-shirt when you clean your teeth 4. Mothers get very, very worried about getting stains out of clothes. This is accepted by her family as her 'caring' for them and greeted with laughter. Rather than worry she is turning in to Lady MacBeth and referring her to a therapist. 5. Only mothers clean, wash clothes, iron or hoover. If a man does it he will do it wrong and stare, puzzled at the bottle before putting bleach in his eye. Single women are slattenly whores who do not have time to clean houses. 6. Only women eat chocolate. Men are allowed to eat Yorkies but nothing else. Occasionally they may eat a twix, but only after exercise with other men. There he will rip back the paper and bite off half of it whilst smiling. 7. Animals need toilet paper 8. Children are universally amusing and wise. 9. If you own a massive, dirty dog then you must have white bed linen 10. Having your period makes you feel amazing. 11. If men have had a hard day at work they will loosen their tie 12. People only go to bars with people who drink exactly the same drinks as them. 13. It is acceptable for grown adults to drink WKD. 14. Ready meals make a satisfying and nutritionally balanced meal. 15. Old people only exist to eat Werther's Originals.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012


I am in a slight mood. My wii called me fat the other day. Well actually first it bombarded me with mocking comments along the lines of 'Oh hello, not seen you for a while. It's important to take your fitness seriously." Then when it got over that it encouraged me to step on to the wii fit board. When I stepped on it let out an 'ouch'. Then it recognised me. Obviously everytime I get on the wii I want it to say 'You can't possibly be the same person, you weigh half as much!". It did recognise me, then it called me overweight, which yes is an improvement on obese (which I was) but I wanted the little wii mi to walking around in a pair of comedically large computer generated trousers not look no different to how I was before. So yes I've decided to start exercising. This is for many reasons. One being that I want to eat lots of Easter Eggs (yep I've still got some left, smuggy smug smug). Two being that it's spring/summer/monsoon season so I am more inclined to leave the house. Three being that I recently went to Iceland and spent time walking and swimming and remembered that I actually like it. Fourth being that one of my chums has become a pilates teacher and given that I work days and she works nights if I ever want to see her I need to attend her class. Oh look here's a link to her site here. Book in with her. She's very good For some reason I can not put a link in. Google claire toone pilates. That's her. Book. So my first class is tonight. Hopefully I won't break. I am also intending to go swimming again. I like swimming and am reasonably good at it. I used to be able to swim a mile in about half an hour or so (doubt I can now) so it's the one form of exercise I can be confident of not dying during. Apart from walking it's the only form of physical movement I can reasonably pull off. Running leads to falling over and not being able to breath within a few minutes. Tennis and general athletics I do not have the co-ordination or technique (this being hammered home to me during 5 long years of PE lessons), trampolining - fear of collapsing the trampoline, football, rugby, hockey, netball, squash - no idea of the rules despite being forced to play them at school. However, annoyingly the outdoor pool near me has closed down. Which distresses me. I do not like swimming indoors. It's too hot, too echoey, too chlorinated and you are unable to get properly dry. Outdoor is simply more fun. So I am going to attempt to go to Hampstead ponds. The lake holds no fear for me. Getting there does. I have no sense of direction and can't read a map. On my holiday I avoided all the sights of Rejykavik and instead wandered around a council estate. Which was lovely in it's own way. It's own way being not at all. So let's get energised. Let's Pilate.