I don't like flying. This is not in itself unusual, many people don't. Yes, we've all heard the statistics (in fact a particularly unhelpful Scouse gentleman pointed them out mid flight yesterday), we know that you are more likely to be killed by a bear with an egg whisk than die in a plane crash but I feel that in the case of the bear at least you would feel that by barging through his homeland then you had done something to deserve it. What possible argument can a designed for purpose lump of metal have with you?
When I was six or seven the plane I was on suffered engine failure so we glided in to Guernsey on one engine. A couple of years ago the plane I was on filled with smoke and we were forced to return to Stanstead and land. Last Thursday I suffered more air issues.
I write this on the balcony of my hotel room in Majorca. We arrived last night. Very nice. The flight here? Not so nice. Whilst on Easy Jet flight 3215 we suffered an incident. I had done my usual routine of downing a bottle of rescue remedy, silently praying and hating every minute of take off. I was actively loathing the man/boy/hyperactive shit sitting behind us. He wasn't seated anywhere near his friend but that didn't stop him talking to him. He repeatedly bellowed "Oi Peanut. Peanut! Are you wet enough?" I have no idea what this means but I suspect it's filthy. He also had an animated argument with Peanut about who was going to pay for drinks. They were both insistent it would be them and eventually Hyperactive Shit won. He paid the flight attendant and said 'I'm paying, as usual'. Here's a hint: if you don't want to pay, let the person who is offering do it. He was also trying to chat up the girls sitting next to him. His killer chat up technique was to tell them all the night clubs they should go to and their proximity to McDonalds and trying to impress them by telling them he spent more on his holiday as prices are decided 'by postcode'. A lot of my worrying energy was channelled in to hating this dickhead and I believe that my lack of concentration caused what happened next.
About an hour in to the flight my friend went to the loo. The boy sitting on my right (who rather sweetly had spent the whole flight doing his maths homework) went and got in the queue and whilst there was no one in the seats around me I thought I may as well go as well. So I went and stood behind Eugene (boy). I was just admiring the coffee pots and how they fitted in to the wall when the plane dropped about 100 foot. I leaped (was thrown) five feet in the air and landed on my knees James Brown style. Eugene was bouncing around behind me. The whole plane screamed and this comforting sound was accompanied by the sound of smashing as the drinks trolleys were out and were now laying on their sides or against seats. A stewardess was crying and bleeding from where she'd been thrown and hit her head on the ceiling.
I crawled back to my seat as it was impossible to stand and even crawling was like trying to get off a bouncy castle whilst people leapt around on it. About 60% of the plane was in tears. And my chum was still in the toilet. Eugene followed me in crawling and we both strapped ourselves in. I immediately returned to my praying and worrying.
Hyperactive shit behind me had never known such joy and was so excited and screaming "I loved it. Did you love it?" He then took his seatbelt off to really enjoy it. Eventually Peanut stepped up to the mark and pointed out that people were quite upset and he may not have picked the right audience.
Just as I was wondering if my friend was going to emerge from the toilet we dropped again. Screams, crying, drinks flying. Hyperactive shit hit the ceiling so hard he broke a light and was delighted. The girl sitting next to him diverted my attention by grabbing a handful of my hair.
Easyjet then thought to light the seatbelt signs.
Eventually it calmed. My friend came back. She had escaped the toilet after the first drop and had been grabbed by a stewardess and strapped in to an emergency chair. When she emerged she thought there had been a slaughter. She later worked out that people were covered in red wine, not blood. The tears were real though. We eventually landed and people had to go to the front to have their injuries dealt with. I was just thrilled to be on the ground and was instantly dreading the flight back.
The hair puller behind us put it in perspective. "You were in the loo? Oh my God. Were you pissing?"
On the return flight yesterday I was eavesdropping on some people who were on the original flight with us. Turns out we had flown through a hurricane and they hadn't enjoyed their whole holiday as they had been worrying about coming back.
Why, you may ask, do I keep getting on planes when they are so determined to kill me? Well it's because all these incidents happen on the outward journey.
When I was six or seven the plane I was on suffered engine failure so we glided in to Guernsey on one engine. A couple of years ago the plane I was on filled with smoke and we were forced to return to Stanstead and land. Last Thursday I suffered more air issues.
I write this on the balcony of my hotel room in Majorca. We arrived last night. Very nice. The flight here? Not so nice. Whilst on Easy Jet flight 3215 we suffered an incident. I had done my usual routine of downing a bottle of rescue remedy, silently praying and hating every minute of take off. I was actively loathing the man/boy/hyperactive shit sitting behind us. He wasn't seated anywhere near his friend but that didn't stop him talking to him. He repeatedly bellowed "Oi Peanut. Peanut! Are you wet enough?" I have no idea what this means but I suspect it's filthy. He also had an animated argument with Peanut about who was going to pay for drinks. They were both insistent it would be them and eventually Hyperactive Shit won. He paid the flight attendant and said 'I'm paying, as usual'. Here's a hint: if you don't want to pay, let the person who is offering do it. He was also trying to chat up the girls sitting next to him. His killer chat up technique was to tell them all the night clubs they should go to and their proximity to McDonalds and trying to impress them by telling them he spent more on his holiday as prices are decided 'by postcode'. A lot of my worrying energy was channelled in to hating this dickhead and I believe that my lack of concentration caused what happened next.
About an hour in to the flight my friend went to the loo. The boy sitting on my right (who rather sweetly had spent the whole flight doing his maths homework) went and got in the queue and whilst there was no one in the seats around me I thought I may as well go as well. So I went and stood behind Eugene (boy). I was just admiring the coffee pots and how they fitted in to the wall when the plane dropped about 100 foot. I leaped (was thrown) five feet in the air and landed on my knees James Brown style. Eugene was bouncing around behind me. The whole plane screamed and this comforting sound was accompanied by the sound of smashing as the drinks trolleys were out and were now laying on their sides or against seats. A stewardess was crying and bleeding from where she'd been thrown and hit her head on the ceiling.
I crawled back to my seat as it was impossible to stand and even crawling was like trying to get off a bouncy castle whilst people leapt around on it. About 60% of the plane was in tears. And my chum was still in the toilet. Eugene followed me in crawling and we both strapped ourselves in. I immediately returned to my praying and worrying.
Hyperactive shit behind me had never known such joy and was so excited and screaming "I loved it. Did you love it?" He then took his seatbelt off to really enjoy it. Eventually Peanut stepped up to the mark and pointed out that people were quite upset and he may not have picked the right audience.
Just as I was wondering if my friend was going to emerge from the toilet we dropped again. Screams, crying, drinks flying. Hyperactive shit hit the ceiling so hard he broke a light and was delighted. The girl sitting next to him diverted my attention by grabbing a handful of my hair.
Easyjet then thought to light the seatbelt signs.
Eventually it calmed. My friend came back. She had escaped the toilet after the first drop and had been grabbed by a stewardess and strapped in to an emergency chair. When she emerged she thought there had been a slaughter. She later worked out that people were covered in red wine, not blood. The tears were real though. We eventually landed and people had to go to the front to have their injuries dealt with. I was just thrilled to be on the ground and was instantly dreading the flight back.
The hair puller behind us put it in perspective. "You were in the loo? Oh my God. Were you pissing?"
On the return flight yesterday I was eavesdropping on some people who were on the original flight with us. Turns out we had flown through a hurricane and they hadn't enjoyed their whole holiday as they had been worrying about coming back.
Why, you may ask, do I keep getting on planes when they are so determined to kill me? Well it's because all these incidents happen on the outward journey.
6 comments:
I hope hyperactive shit never breeds.
How horrible no wonder you don't like flying!
Kirsty, I can only hope he landed very hard on his 'parts' on the way down from his leap in the air
My goodness, that sounds horrendous and certainly has done nothing to assure you of the safety of flying.
I have returned to follow your blog. I missed it and stopped looking when some time had passed and I needed to find a different reading fix once E was down for her nap. Now you are back, I look forward t following again. You have me in stitches and I love the way you write! Fantastic news about your book. I look forward to reading it once it's available. Any hints/brief summaries to whet our appetite?
Thanks Charlie, am hoping to find an agent very soon. I suppose it would fall under the banner of 'women's fiction' although I hate that term, mainly on the basis that there's no 'male fiction (dick lit?). I suppose it can be broadly summed up as 'trying to find the life you want to live'. According to someone who's read it it's 'different to anything else out there'. Whether this is a good or bad thing is open to interpretation! In the meantime I'm just trying to build the blog up so tell your friends! Hope all's good with you. Hopefully see you soon
Brilliant! Will put the link out to friends and family xx
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