Skin

It would appear I have combination skin. Sadly it’s the combination of a 95 year old woman and 14 year old boy. Yes, I have managed the unique (and stunning) feat of having wrinkles and acne at the same time. Actually it’s just one wrinkle, right by my eye and it’s like the grand canyon. The acne is just a treat. I didn’t get it the first time round so clearly I am now having some kind of second puberty. Which is nice. Yesterday, I resorted to ripping a free sample of Estee Lauder wrinkle cream out of a magazine I found on a train. There was only enough in it to cover half my face. Which means that I am expertly primed to see if it works by drawing a thick black line down the middle of my face and seeing which side ages quicker. It has also made me paranoid about the size of my face. I know I have massive cheeks but do they really make my face twice the size of everyone elses?

I have untagged myself from a lot of photos on facebook on the grounds that I look like a pig in a frock. I do however like looking through other people’s photos. I was particularly intrigued by one night out (which I wasn’t invited on – thanks guys) where they all met Moonface from the Magic Faraway Tree. Oh, hang on, that top looks familiar. Oh I was there.

I think the world can be divided up in to photogenic and non-photogenic people. I am doomed to spend a life time ruining people’s photos by looking incredibly smug. I also seem to spend a lot of time having a competition with myself to see how many chins I can create. I’m on about 7, a woo hoo. I used to hide my school photos. There was no way I wanted to give my parents the option of buying it and I didn’t want to return it as I was convinced it would be passed round the staff room causing my teachers to laugh whilst simultaneously retching. I overcame this problem by simply hiding them in my locker and denying their existence. As a plan it was foolproof, until we had a locker inspection and I was found to have seven cardboard framed photos of myself. A sort of smug gallery. I think this struck an element of fear in to the teachers heart and thankfully there was just an embarrassed silence rather than any questioning.

At least make up has improved since the happy days of school photos. I can now attempt to cover up the acne extravaganza. And cover the spots up in a tone that vaguely matches my skin. Unlike 10 years ago when all we had on offer was “clearisil cover stick” which was effectively an orange crayon which didn’t so much hide or cover as much as it did highlight. Oompaloompa’s must have been able to create the illusion of flawless skin but those with skin hues that didn’t match a Satsuma were slightly more limited.

I have often tried to detract attention from my gluesniffer chin by slapping on the eye make-up. Now thanks to the grand canyon of crows feet it all slides in there looking like I applied my make up whilst high on glue. Perhaps I should go au naturel and not bother. Bare my face to the world. Or perhaps whilst there is the slightest chance that pictures can end up on facebook I should wear a balaclava at all times. I’ll give Moonface a call and see if he’s got one spare.