I do do other things. I promise. I was actually away this weekend but what I feel drawn to write about is....X factor. Sorry.
I managed to watch this weeks in about 15 minutes. Then I had a nap to recover. I fast forwarded all the pre-song bits, I fast forwarded all the bit about what happened last week (I watched it, I manage to get through most of my life without recapping, I rarely feel the need to sit down on a Sunday and watch high lights of my own life). Then I watched as much of each contestant as I could bear. In some cases this was just under 3 seconds. Let's have a summary....
The Over 28s.
Now mysteriously over 28. Why 28 is the cut off we don't know but this is the age after which you will not be succesful on the X facor. This group actually had four members in it rather than three thanks to the addition of a wildcard. However the world, so revolted by it's choosing of Christopher, is punishing itself Dobby the Elf style by voting off members of this group every week. They'll then vote off Gary, just to make their point. Anyway. As it stands this is the group
Melanie
She got voted off last night. This could be because all she could really do was stand in the middle of a stage (or sometime, thrillingly, on a box) and go 'HURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'. She was deemed to be a seventies style singer and so was dressed as a navaho Indian and not allowed to brush her hair. Her VTs consisted solely of us telling her how much she missed her kids who were in Scotland. Given the 'strength' of her voice I assume she could still roar them a lullaby each night without the use of a phone. To compensate to the children for the time she has to spend away from them she allowed them to do her make up this week. She then roared... a song. Sadly this was not enough and she was in the sing off where she roared another. Then she went. Presumably to save us Christmas week when she would roar silent night.
Kye
Used to be a chimney sweep, looks like a character from Fireman Sam. Is called Kye Sones and I can only assume he has removed a letter from each of his names to make him interesting. I am willing to bet the farm that his real name is Kyle Stones. In the words of my favourite x factor contestant, the strange ginger rapper (see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1mQ_B3Q65c ) 'Kyle Stones, yeah, he's alright' . He is Gary's only hope. He will get to the final 3.
Christopher
This years Sami/Mary/80s power ballader. He should be on a cruise ship (acting as the orange safety light on the front). Instead he's on the X factor. He seems like a perfectly nice man. I just don't need to see him sing a selection of middle of the road, naff movie themes. Just leave. He is liked by people who buy albums that are produced to co-inside with Mother's Days and have names like 'Best Housework hits' and 'Music to hoover by'. He will be in a suit holding a wrapped present on the cover of his very own Mother's Day album next year. Actually, given that all his VTs feature his Nan, he will be taken on by Clinton Cards to attempt to make 'Grandparent's day' a "thing".
The Girls
Led by Tulisa, who is thankfully brunette again. When she popped up in Magaluf or wherever her judges house was she was bottle yellow, with bright red skin and a selection of bizarre strap marks. She looked like a child had drawn her. Tulisa has actually picked some decent people. And someone who I have forgotten, not a great sign.
Jade
I like her. I shouldn't as her constant speil about how she wants a garden for a child (I don't object to the notion of wanting a garden for her child I object to her crying about it in every VT). She sang an Amy Winehouse song very nicely. I could sit through her whole performance without fast forwarding.
Ella
She's very good. And seems to have stopped drawing eyeliner on quite so strangely. She's 16 and is excellent. So far we've only seen ballads (not done in a Christopher style, thank goodness) but I reckon she could do what she wants. Needs to stop with the victory roll on top of her head...you've not won it yet love.
I can't remember the third person. Therefore I predict they will go soon.
Boys
Led by Nicole Scherzinger, who is bananas. We should have known that when she vaccuum packed herself in to pvc last year to perform that she wasn't quite the full shilling (or schzilling a ho ho ho) but this year she has out performed herself. She also has two faces. One when she is enjoying it - stand up, clap your hands, mouth agape and look to Garry Balow for reassurance. Two - when she is moved - she tries to divide 3456 by 64 in her head whilst simultaneously trying to hold a pretty wet fart in. She has the most controversial group in the competition as she has included an idiot and a girl.
Jahmene
Held back from a young age as the spelling of his name does not match how it should be pronounced. He should be called Ja - meeeeen. Instead he's called Jah main. He has drawn his hairline on with a protractor. He wails like a cat being swung around by it's tail. It's not nice. You spend the whole song on edge waiting for him to go bananas. Tunes hold no fear for him as he doesn't sing them. He is at an advantage in this competition as he doesn't have to learn the words to any songs as he doesn't sing them. He just goes 'Biaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. Which actually, given he can't spell his own name could be his way of spelling out the words in the song.
James Arthur
Oh he's edgy. He's seen some shit. He's had a hard life so he wears specs like Deirdre Barlow and sings a Kelly Clarkson song. But it's OK, he's not sold out because he flaps his hands around like he's in pain/trying to get a particularly persistent lump of snot off his hand. How anyone can be so emotionally moved by singing a song by a former American Idol is beyond me. But I would be willing to guess he sings everything the same. Probably because he's so 'edgy' and 'misunderstood'. Time can be passed quite pleasantly deciding what he looks like. Answers so far (a) Brian MacFadden on the wonk (b) a potato (c) the love child of Professor Green and a potato.
Rylan
This years comedy act. Louis is devastated he didn't get him. He's everything Louis loves. He has remarkably skinny legs and likes to wear PVC leggings - he possibly borrows them from Nicole. She may have been forced to take him on so they can save money on the costume budget by sharing clothes. He's... a diversion. He's not going to win, he seems nice enough.
The Groups
Louis! Louis is out of his depth. He has two boybands who are interchangable and an 'urban group'. It is be coming increasingly apparent that Louis doesn't know what urban is. Louis scared. Louis' on borrowed time. Louis is running scared and it's effecting his voting, despite being on the show for nine years he can't work out the difference between 'I want to send home' and 'I want to save'.
Union J/District 3
I group them together as they are the same. They are attempting to be One Direction. They are failing. The harmonies are horrible and they are bland.
MK1
I assume named after the Milton Keynes post code. They were forced to ditch their accountant/third member after the first audition. Louis put them in as (he was told) they are relevant. He now doesn't know what to do with them. So the obvious answer is to have them rap Jackson 5 songs. All performances are accompanied by the cast of Playbus bounding around in the background. They are what they are. There days are numbered.
I managed to watch this weeks in about 15 minutes. Then I had a nap to recover. I fast forwarded all the pre-song bits, I fast forwarded all the bit about what happened last week (I watched it, I manage to get through most of my life without recapping, I rarely feel the need to sit down on a Sunday and watch high lights of my own life). Then I watched as much of each contestant as I could bear. In some cases this was just under 3 seconds. Let's have a summary....
The Over 28s.
Now mysteriously over 28. Why 28 is the cut off we don't know but this is the age after which you will not be succesful on the X facor. This group actually had four members in it rather than three thanks to the addition of a wildcard. However the world, so revolted by it's choosing of Christopher, is punishing itself Dobby the Elf style by voting off members of this group every week. They'll then vote off Gary, just to make their point. Anyway. As it stands this is the group
Melanie
Kye
Used to be a chimney sweep, looks like a character from Fireman Sam. Is called Kye Sones and I can only assume he has removed a letter from each of his names to make him interesting. I am willing to bet the farm that his real name is Kyle Stones. In the words of my favourite x factor contestant, the strange ginger rapper (see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1mQ_B3Q65c ) 'Kyle Stones, yeah, he's alright' . He is Gary's only hope. He will get to the final 3.
Christopher
This years Sami/Mary/80s power ballader. He should be on a cruise ship (acting as the orange safety light on the front). Instead he's on the X factor. He seems like a perfectly nice man. I just don't need to see him sing a selection of middle of the road, naff movie themes. Just leave. He is liked by people who buy albums that are produced to co-inside with Mother's Days and have names like 'Best Housework hits' and 'Music to hoover by'. He will be in a suit holding a wrapped present on the cover of his very own Mother's Day album next year. Actually, given that all his VTs feature his Nan, he will be taken on by Clinton Cards to attempt to make 'Grandparent's day' a "thing".
The Girls
Led by Tulisa, who is thankfully brunette again. When she popped up in Magaluf or wherever her judges house was she was bottle yellow, with bright red skin and a selection of bizarre strap marks. She looked like a child had drawn her. Tulisa has actually picked some decent people. And someone who I have forgotten, not a great sign.
Jade
I like her. I shouldn't as her constant speil about how she wants a garden for a child (I don't object to the notion of wanting a garden for her child I object to her crying about it in every VT). She sang an Amy Winehouse song very nicely. I could sit through her whole performance without fast forwarding.
Ella
She's very good. And seems to have stopped drawing eyeliner on quite so strangely. She's 16 and is excellent. So far we've only seen ballads (not done in a Christopher style, thank goodness) but I reckon she could do what she wants. Needs to stop with the victory roll on top of her head...you've not won it yet love.
I can't remember the third person. Therefore I predict they will go soon.
Boys
Led by Nicole Scherzinger, who is bananas. We should have known that when she vaccuum packed herself in to pvc last year to perform that she wasn't quite the full shilling (or schzilling a ho ho ho) but this year she has out performed herself. She also has two faces. One when she is enjoying it - stand up, clap your hands, mouth agape and look to Garry Balow for reassurance. Two - when she is moved - she tries to divide 3456 by 64 in her head whilst simultaneously trying to hold a pretty wet fart in. She has the most controversial group in the competition as she has included an idiot and a girl.
Jahmene
Held back from a young age as the spelling of his name does not match how it should be pronounced. He should be called Ja - meeeeen. Instead he's called Jah main. He has drawn his hairline on with a protractor. He wails like a cat being swung around by it's tail. It's not nice. You spend the whole song on edge waiting for him to go bananas. Tunes hold no fear for him as he doesn't sing them. He is at an advantage in this competition as he doesn't have to learn the words to any songs as he doesn't sing them. He just goes 'Biaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. Which actually, given he can't spell his own name could be his way of spelling out the words in the song.
James Arthur
Oh he's edgy. He's seen some shit. He's had a hard life so he wears specs like Deirdre Barlow and sings a Kelly Clarkson song. But it's OK, he's not sold out because he flaps his hands around like he's in pain/trying to get a particularly persistent lump of snot off his hand. How anyone can be so emotionally moved by singing a song by a former American Idol is beyond me. But I would be willing to guess he sings everything the same. Probably because he's so 'edgy' and 'misunderstood'. Time can be passed quite pleasantly deciding what he looks like. Answers so far (a) Brian MacFadden on the wonk (b) a potato (c) the love child of Professor Green and a potato.
Rylan
This years comedy act. Louis is devastated he didn't get him. He's everything Louis loves. He has remarkably skinny legs and likes to wear PVC leggings - he possibly borrows them from Nicole. She may have been forced to take him on so they can save money on the costume budget by sharing clothes. He's... a diversion. He's not going to win, he seems nice enough.
The Groups
Louis! Louis is out of his depth. He has two boybands who are interchangable and an 'urban group'. It is be coming increasingly apparent that Louis doesn't know what urban is. Louis scared. Louis' on borrowed time. Louis is running scared and it's effecting his voting, despite being on the show for nine years he can't work out the difference between 'I want to send home' and 'I want to save'.
Union J/District 3
I group them together as they are the same. They are attempting to be One Direction. They are failing. The harmonies are horrible and they are bland.
MK1
I assume named after the Milton Keynes post code. They were forced to ditch their accountant/third member after the first audition. Louis put them in as (he was told) they are relevant. He now doesn't know what to do with them. So the obvious answer is to have them rap Jackson 5 songs. All performances are accompanied by the cast of Playbus bounding around in the background. They are what they are. There days are numbered.
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