Dreams

“Dreams can come true, look at me Babe, I’m with you”. Thus spake Gabrielle, who was lucky enough to have her dreams come true. We can only assume that “Babe”’s dream was to wake up next to a grown woman voluntarily dressed as a pirate.

Now I know there is nothing more boring than hearing about people’s dreams. Slowly slipping in to a coma as they talk about how they rode a pantomime horse round Sainsbury’s and then bumped in to their primary school teacher. But occasionally you do wonder what the hell is going on. I personally experience the joy of recurring dreams. I have never bothered to find out what they mean as I don’t really want to know. The one I get the most (every couple of months- every one a treat) involves me jilting people. The people and the locations change but the end result is the same, I am sitting in the car going to the church when I realise I really don’t want to get married, sometimes I go in to the church and call it off, other times I simply do a runner. Either way it makes me feel evil and has given me the fear about getting married (admittedly not a pressing concern). The weirdest one was when I was about to get married to a girl who I once did a handover with (odd enough, I’d only met her once and although she was a nice girl she was not nice enough for me to change my sexual orientation) but I wasn’t just marrying her, I was also marrying her fiancé. It wasn’t until I was trotting down the aisle – in quite a nice dress, normally they’re foul- that I realised I didn’t want to enter in to some bizarre three way marriage. So I jilted them both. They were actually alright about it and went ahead with it without me. We all danced together at the reception and it all ended quite happily for a change. I’ve jilted some pretty famous people in my time; Chris Martin, Lou from Neighbours and Rolf Harris. I was quite surprised I turned Rolf down actually.

It’s always a bit disconcerting when people you know pop up in your dreams. I once enjoyed a night with Tom Jones. A friend of mine has had some of the least appealing sex dreams ever – she got busy with Dr Raj Persaud from This Morning in an aeroplane toilet and also had a night of bliss with Kinga from Big Brother. Where do these things come from? Jon Bon Jovi once saved me from a heroin overdose by cutting my arm open and removing the heroin (worth noting that heroin looks a lot like smarties). I went to see a Little Britain Concert with Chris Moyles unfortunately our seats weren't facing the stage so I read Heat instead. I got in a MASSIVE mood as Chris wasn't being affectionate enough and then I remembered he had a girlfriend called Sophie.

But they’re not all as exciting as going to the theatre with a DJ. When I was temping as a receptionist I had dreams about extension numbers. Oooh 6245, that’s so and so. 5436 that’s someone else. I woke myself up in the end as it was so monumentally boring. I also like those dreams when you’re in a really tense situation, what are you going to do? You could die! Oh hang on, it doesn’t matter, it’s only a dream. Silly me. And then you dream about something else.

However I have never been one of those people that interprets their dreams. Surely half the joy is that they are odd and keep you amused whilst you sleep. Learning that it actually means that you have issues with your paternal grandfather just ruins the fun. I don’t want to know that I have deep psychological issues because I dreamt that me and Bungle went on a road trip. Although I was upset that it was Bungle, surely that’s wrong. It should be George or at least Zippy. Then again they don’t have any legs. Being on a road trip with leg-less puppets could blow my mind. Still as long as it’s not Rod, Jane and Freddie I can rest easy.