Powergen

Thank you for calling Powergen. Your call is important to us, one of our service operators will be with you soon. Now please enjoy the Phantom of the Opera played on a stylophone by a five year old.

Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. One of our service operators will be with you soon. We shall now make a few ominous clicks on the line to raise your hopes and make you think you’re being connected before returning to the Phantom of the Opera. Do you like the way we play it so loudly that your ears bleed? Bet you’re too scared to put the phone down and hear the music play from a distance (at a level that would be acceptable for a stadium tour) in case we answer the phone and you don’t answer quick enough. So let’s change songs. Here is “Land Down Under” interpreted on a lute.

Thank you for holding. You have been holding for a good twenty minutes now. You must really want to talk to us. Is it because we’ve sent you a bill for £9000 for three months electricity and are now sending you final demands? Well we’d love to talk to you too to discuss a payment plan. Did we tell you that these calls aren’t free from a mobile? You really have been patient. I’d better cut you off.

Oh you’ve called back. Thank you for calling Powergen. Your call is important to us. Press 1 if you are moving home. Press 2 if you wish to make a payment. Press 3 if you wish to scream abuse at some poor sod who works in a call centre and can’t be rude back as their calls are being monitored.

3.

You have chosen option 3. Please help us manage your call by choosing from the 2 following options. Press 1 if you wish to question the parentage of our call centre operative. Press 2 if you would like to abuse them in a more general way whilst biting back tears of frustration.

2.

You have chosen option 2. To help you successfully achieve your goal we will fuel your rage by cutting you off. Thank you for calling Powergen. Click. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh you’ve called back again, clearly you are very angry. To help this we will put you through to someone immediately making you wonder why you’ve spent the last hour on hold. By now you should be incomprehensible with rage and so be completely incapable of communicating your reasonable and sensible argument. Ready, here goes….

“Hello Powergen, Kevin speaking, can I take your account number?”

“No, no you can’t, first of all I want to know why I’ve spent the last hour on hold, been cut of twice and been deafened by listening to Opera favourites played on a kazoo. And…

“I’m sorry it seems that you’ve come through to the wrong department. Bear with me, I’m just going to pop you on hold”.