I will never be a pop star

Two things have happened of late that have led me to a devastating personal enlightenment. One was this email from Annie “Hey hun. How is your column coming along? Xx. I replied ‘In the words of Natasha Beddingfield “it is unwritten”.’ The second incident involved Ayesha and myself going to the O2 to see the Spice Girls (which was brilliant, I wasn’t quite as moved as the stranger next to me dressed from head to toe in Spice Girls memorabilia and BAWLING it, but it really was good). There I was singing along, dancing as best I could in a near vertical seating arrangement (still knew all the moves to Stop) when it hit me… I am too old to be a popstar.

Now ignoring the fact that I also have limited musical abilities (unless the recorder comes back in fashion), I can’t dance and look like a pig in a frock- there is also no outlet for my “talents” now that Top of the Pops has been cancelled. Which is rubbish. Who didn’t stand in front of the telly copying dance routines and putting subtitles up so they could sing along? I can clearly remember watching Kylie on Top of the Pops and not just wanting to be a pop star but wanting to be her. I wanted to lean out the back of a moving car and belt out “I Should Be So Lucky”, but I was stopped by selfish parents when I attempted it on the M25. I had to make do with wearing the strange hat by little brother had to keep shampoo out of his eyes when he had his hair washed and attempt to recreate the front cover of her album.

But I have truly missed the boat. Britney’s had her career, 2 kids and a breakdown and she’s still younger than me. Even the oldest Spice Girl is only 32 and they are on a reunion tour! Incidentally I saw them at Party in Park when they had yet to release “Wannabe”, if I remember rightly the whole park stood there with a “what the hell is this?” expression on their faces. Oh didn’t they prove us wrong. We also saw Peter Andre (pre-Jordan) and Robbie Williams (post Take That pre Oddness). Rock n flipping roll. I think to embark on a pop star career at this stage in my life would be foolhardy and ultimately unsuccessful. I would be the new Michelle McManus, and I really don’t think there’s room for both of us.


However, I do have one item on my CV that proves I have what it takes to storm the charts. I have performed at Wembley. Oh yes. Say it loud and proud. Myself and my school choir provided backing vocals for Bonnie Tyler, we were even on Grandstand – fame indeed. It was at some Rugby Final – rather than a strange deal to show concerts on Sports Programmes. We did the doo doo doo doos on ‘I need a Hero’ and looked mournful during ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’. We even got to run on waving flags and sing ‘Abide with Me’.

And yet even reaching these dizzying heights, I still want more, I am a fame junkie. I am sick. Which would make me PERFECT to be a pop star.