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Monday, 10 October 2016

X Factor Live Shows Week 1

Yes, it's that time of year again. The nights are drawing in, you can finally wear a onesie and you can read a blog that isn't updated regularly enough. 
I had spent the weekend in Oxford with my friends celebrating 25 years of friendship. It was lovely but a lot of alcohol was taken. Saturday's X Factor was therefore watched with my friend Julie on Sunday afternoon when we were in recovery. Hangovers may have influenced some of our opinions. 
So with the return of Dermot comes the return of Dermot's dance. I think I am meant to like this more than I do. That said it's Dermot. Let the boy dance. 
Nicole seems to be dressed as Wonder Woman but other than the outfits are disappointingly tame. I miss the days of Rita Ora wearing an oversize suit with one boob cut out. Made me feel alive. The theme tonight is 'Express Yourself' which means (as usual) the contestants sing whatever they want. Sharon seems proud that the finalists are from all over the UK. The rest of us know that this means that they'll be an appalling group from Scotland who stay in to the final due to the whole nation voting for them just because they're Scottish. 
Oh and Brooks Way aren't appearing tonight because of circumstances. 
First up is '5 After Midnight' 
They instantly annoy me because there's only three of them. Their VT reveals that dancing makes them happy. Good. 
They start from the back of the studio where they are pretending to DJ. They also start in a key not normal heard in everyday life, but they are so free spirited and carried away on their love of dance that things like tunes, hitting notes and having a stupid band name don't matter. They do a lot of creepy smiling at each other. This is meant to convey friendship. It does in a Disney children's programme, we're paid to like each other type way. I also couldn't care less if they're friends. Just sing in tune. There's a dance break. They love it. I don't. Julie's prediction 'Someone will say "What a way to start the show"' 
She's not wrong. For some reason the judges love it. Perhaps they were listening to something else. Simon says it sounds 'like a record'. Perhaps he was listening to that whilst we sat through a deeply mediocre version of 'Can't Stop the Feeling'.
Next is Sam Lavery.
Sam is the one that Simon made remove all her make up. This is because Simon said it didn't express who she really was. That's right. A decision she made about how she wants to look was considered unauthentic. Luckily Simon was there to tell her how she really wanted to look. She looks 'real' now that Simon has told her how she really feels. She's singing 'Impossible'. It's fine. The good news is that she's sixteen so it's a good opportunity for Louis to get obsessed by her age and keep telling us all how old she is. Nicole comments that she is like Evanescence What a compliment. I personally would rather be compared to 'Len' or 'Hepburn'. Those classic bands. 
Saara A is next. Why she has to be A I don't know. There are no other Saara's in the competition. Sharon clearly doesn't know who she is and also thinks that she's from Norway when she is in fact from Finland. Saara's dream is to be a Disney Princess. Grow Up. She's singing 'Let it Go' but in a Gothic manner. It's very, very Eurovision. This is not a compliment. She's trying to be edgy and sexy whilst singing a song from a Disney film. Visually she reminds me of someone from Emmerdale. No one specific just someone with the general look of an Emmerdale actress. But dressed as an evil panto Queen. Again all the judges like it. 

Ryan Lawrie is next. He's Scottish and a wildcard. He's singing 'Perfect' by One Direction. He is also putting far too much emotion in to it. Ryan love, you're singing a throw away pop song, not 'Empty Chairs at Empty Tables'. I was distracted during this as I thought there was a man in the background doing weird hand gestures. He was actually playing the guitar but I had failed to see the instrument. I think Ryan mucks up the end of the song but no one else seems to notice. Given that I can't see musical instruments I am not going to argue my case on this one. My cat licked his bum throughout this song. I am not that flexible but this also reflects my feelings. 
Gifty Louise is up next. For her VT she is made to dress up in a coat made of dead mammoth and look pleased. I have absolutely no idea what she is singing but she looks like a pop star. She could be the Sunday night guest star, they also sing songs I have never heard of but do it well. I thought she was singing 'That's my Goal'. Which I assumed was based on the Shane Ward classic. Turns out it's 'That's my Girl'. By someone. 

I just laughed at a Talk Talk advert. I am hungover. 

Relley C appears next which makes Sharon do a Birmingham accent. She's singing 'Shackles' as apparently a twenty year old middle of the road pop hit is how she 'Expresses herself'. She raps in the middle of it whilst her backing dancers bend on one knee. This is street. I am hip to the trends of today. I thought it looked like a supply teacher proving she was hip at the end of term show. I am guessing the standing ovation she got means I am wrong.

Matt Terry appears. Full disclosure I thought Ryan Lawrie was him. He's singing 'You Don't Own Me'. A song I have only heard through talent shows. I still feel it sounds like a mid musical number which gives people an opportunity to nip to the bogs. He really, really looks like Louis Tomlinson. His thing is hitting the high notes. All songs will be structured around this ability and the group song will have a middle eight where he will come to the front and hit a very high note. Trust me. It's the future. 'Old Man River' will be interesting. 

Now Freddy Parker. He doesn't suit his hair colour. He also likes dogs. 
The song that was originally chosen doesn't adequately 'Express himself' so Nicole is going to choose one that expresses him better. She's changed it to 'Killing me Softly'. Which apparently is more him. It is fantastically boring, even though they're choreographed him getting up from the piano for the woahs. On the plus side I sorted out my bin during this. Simon knows it was shit. His face can not lie. So far I'm predicting him and Finland are in trouble. 
Bradley and Octavio appear except now they are called 'Bratavio' or Bravissimo as Julie insists they are called. I prefer to call them BO. I loathe them. Of course Louis loves them. Simon predicts 'It's going to be awful'. Simon is right. They are singing 'Boom Boom Boom, I want you in my room' which then segues in to 'Barbie Girl'. This could well 'Express themselves'. They sing everything together slightly out of tune whilst zebras move around in the background. 
Dog Shit try hards. 
Emily has to follow that. I feel I could follow that, don't think you'll get an easy ride Emily. She has just turned 18 and in an ironic turn of events she is singing 'Never getting older'. I believe this song only has one note. She is also performing in some kind of polythene tube that slowly fills with gas. This is not her style. She knows it, we know it yet we all sit there politely watching it. Simon liked it or so he says. 
Oh grief it's Honey G. Imagine living with her. Imagine it. I have new found respect for Bravissimo. I am not good with embarrassment. I just want her to stand a bit closer to the flames whilst she wears her nylon tracksuit. She's singing her own version of 'California' she's reached the Chico stage of the competition very quickly. I am not sure they are professional dancers on stage with her. Louis tells her that 'we need someone like you in X Factor'. Why's that Louis? Please explain your work. He also predicts that 'Tupac will be happy'. 'He's dead' Sharon tells him 'And he'll be turning in his grave' Nicole adds. Simon liked it. Simon I expected more from you. He also says that 'Only Sharon Osbourne could do this'. Anyone who wants to watch the world burn could do this. My only hope is that at some point she sings 'Honey to the Bee' by Billie Piper but changes it to 'Honey to the G'. 
My predictions: Finland and Freddie are the bottom two and Bravissimo are in the final 3 to make us think there's a hope they will go.

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