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Friday, 21 October 2016

X Factor Live Shows Week 2 - MOTOWN!

So last week the randomly selected theme for this Saturday, chosen via the jukebox, was Motown. As such the show opens with a performance from the cast of Motown the Musical. How truly lucky that they were able to book the cast of a west end musical on such short notice given that they only knew the theme six days ago. They aren't picking the themes randomly you say? I couldn't possibly comment. 
Louis dances throughout. It's alarming. 
Brooks Way have been forced to leave the competition due to issues raised about their conduct. Or in my mind they had an urgent decorating job they had to get to. To replace them 'Four of Diamonds' have returned. It looks like one of them has immediately pissed off the stylist. Wet look crop top worn over a halter neck and green silk jogging bottoms. Apologise now. They have a power you can not fathom. 

The boys are up first and Freddie is singing. Freddie was in the bottom three last week. He is being a good sport about it all and promised that he's 'going to bring it'. Gold? Frankincense? Myrrh? No, a karaoke version of 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'. His Mum and brother have come to visit. And perhaps take a few bits home with them. His version is fine. He's not behind a piano and it's a bit bland. I had to look away when he tried to do some hip hop dancing. I was mainly distracted by his backing dancers who were dressed as tarty office workers. Freddie was allowed to wear his clothes done up, but for some reason wore a Scouts woggle. Louis liked it but didn't love it (always remember that Louis loved Wagner). Sharon liked his hair (don't knock it, Smash Hits Poll used to give awards for that), Simon said it was a million times better than last week (means nothing, we're not judging it against last week) and Nicole said something about balls (who knows). 

Now the Girls. Simon announces that he excited about this. It's Emily, who thoughtfully takes time to explain in her VT that living in the X Factor House is different to living at home. Thank you for your insight Emily. This week she wants to show her individuality and 'Emilyisms'. Out she comes wearing a circuit board. She has gone the John Lewis route of making something your own - singing it really flipping slowly. She's singing 'Stop in the Name of Love' a song I never realised had so few words until it was slowed down to a funeral march. It's fine. Simon claps throughout the comments like a demented seal. Interestingly if you google 'Simon Seal' you get this:

Emily keeps walking off the stage too early. Leaving Dermot to hoik her back and make her do 'vote for me' telephone hands. 
Adverts. Why do perfume ads have to be so wanky. Surely they just need to say 'Do you like flowers? It smells like that.' 

Now Matt. a performance where we are just going to wait for him to hit a very high note. His Nan cries on the phone to Matt then comes down to the studio to throw herself on Simon. I like her. Matt is singing 'Heard it through the Grapevine'. I become obsessed by a backing singer who looks like an estate agent from a nineties sitcom. It's actually quite good. Oh and there's the high note. The judges all love it. And quite right too. This is Nicole's response. 

We move on. Sharon announces Saara. Who was in the sing off last week. And I predict, before she sings, will go this week. It's not actually Saara singing, it's Relley. Simon told Sharon it was Saara for a joke. A HAHAHAHAHAHA. Relley's Dad has come to offer support. They appear to be the same age. She's singing 'Ain't No Sunshine'. I think her jumpsuit may be giving her gip, she's walking very strangely. She is good. She joins the long line of people in X Factor who are very good but aren't going to win. Maria, Mary Byrne, Cassi Compton, Brenda Edwards. 
The camera man is on drugs tonight. Keeps zooming in on people's bottoms. 
The judges like it. 

Next is Sam. Presumably wearing (at Simon's insistence) a bin bag smeared in poo. She's having a makeover this week. Which is kind of over selling a bit of a hair trim. There is NO difference. She's singing 'Hello' by Lionel Richie. She's also wearing her coat. It's being sung slowly in the manner of a serial killer. Weird shadow puppets accompany her. I predict at least one judge will call it 'haunting'. It's fine. I'd rather listen to that than Freddie. There's a compliment there if you look. Simon has discovered her 'rock voice'. This is bad news. From now on she'll have to sing everything in a 'rocky' way. Never have a distinctive style. You'll be made to sing the Crash Test Dummies for 6 weeks then get kicked out for not being versatile. 
Now the problem with typing this up a few days after it's been on is that you have to rely on scribbled notes. I have no idea what this next comment refers to or why I wrote it or even if (given my handwriting) this is what I meant, so I am simply going to transcribe this comment and leave it here. 'Simon praises her Asian experience'. 
Now it's 5 after Midnight. A group who's appeal I simply do not understand. They have the hair of MN8 and the voices of Peter Andre and the dancing is bizarre. They're singing 'Get Ready' which segues in to 'Reach Out'. Both are awful. Why ruin one song when you can bring down two? They get a standing ovation. According to Sharon Daddy Motown would be proud. 'Who's Daddy Motown?' asks my friend. 'Berry Gordy' I reply. 'Like Strawberry?" she asks.  That is all I have to say about 5 After Midnight. A name I still hate. 

Now Ryan. He hopes he can do the song justice. Given he's singing 'Superstition' let's just say 'no, you can't'. He keeps touching his willy. Constantly. He just keeps checking it's there. Leave it alone. The backing dancers have also been made to constantly touch him like he's hot stuff. They've been paid Ryan. Don't get excited. And leave your bits alone or we'll put you in a cone. He's trying to be Olly Murs. He's failing. He claps the audience at the end. Presumably for sitting through it. 
Simon didn't think it worked. Simon is right. 
Now Honey G. Her Mum, Mummy G, comes to visit. This has to be a piss take. She's rapping/singing/performance arting - Mo Money, Mo Problems which qualifies as 'Coming Out' is sampled. It's as dreadful as you can imagine. There are two random men sat on a motorbike on stage (warning Sam, this is your 'rock' future). Honey G's hair annoys me. Always a perfectly blow dried feather cut. Louis calls her 'David Cameron in a wig'. Now I don't like her but that seems very cruel. 

Now Gifty. I like Gifty. She's singing 'Rocking Robin'. She starts slow, I bet she's going to lose her shit in a minute. Oh here it is. She's very good. A proper performer. The judges agree with me and no one compares her to an old Etonian in a wig. 
Now it is Saara, not Relley but Saara, oh Simon too funny. I assume she'll be on a chariot and dressed as Boudecia. Oh no she's dressed as Pocahontas. She's singing 'River Deep, Mountain High'. This is horrible. Do you remember in the 80s they used to give random celebrities their own variety shows and they'd sing a jaunty number. This is like that. Anita Harris and Orville are going to be next singing Downtown or something. I know she's Finnish and so of course she has an accent, but she over pronounces every word, like she's pissed and pretending not to be. Louis thinks the problem is is that people don't like her. Goodness. 
Least slag her off behind her back on a blog, not to her face. 
Now it's Four of Diamonds. Interestingly, if you google image them you have to go through a lot of pictures before you get one that isn't of playing cards. They only knew they were back in the competition on Monday so we'll give them some benefit of the doubt. Especially as they would have to had to spend a lot of the week filming idents and pouting in to a fan. They're singing a straightforward rendition of 'Keep Me Hanging On'. They are literally just singing it. Hmmm. Louis apparently hates Girl Bands. This may be true. Louis says that Four of Diamonds are different because 'they are nice'. Louis you are on fire tonight. 

So that's that. I predict Saara, Freddie and Ryan for bottom 3. Saara to go. 

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