Only ten contestants left and this week they are tackling 'Divas'. To this end Dermot dances to a Whitney Houston song. His choreography is better than Honey G's. The judges come out and Louis does a dancing X Factor sign. This is the happiest he's ever been. He's also clearly been practising. They introduce all the judges with Nicole last because, what fresh hell is this, she grabs the mic and begins to sing 'I'm Every Woman'. This only makes me fear for 'Louis Loves' week. I'm hoping for Johnny, Wagner and Two Shoes to make an appearance singing Black Lace's greatest hit (s). I may have put the brackets in the wrong place there. To her credit, Nicole can sing. It all just seems a little bit unnecessary. First up it's the boys. Cue the sad music, it's Ryan. Ryan is reliving last week when he was in the bottom three. As is traditional in these situations he wants to get back in touch with himself and show us the real him. Because that's why we're not voting for him, because we don't know him. He also meets John Legend who I assume is either performing tomorrow or who has been kidnapped. Ryan sings 'Rolling in the Deep'. I'm not sure that attempting an Adele song is his best idea, he's only going to suffer by comparison. He's not bad but well, it's not Adele. I enjoy his fake band though. The judges don't look thrilled. Louis doesn't like it. Sharon didn't like him but consoles him with the fact that he's only 17. He's 20 so that's that shot to shit. Simon blames Nicole's singing for Ryan's poor performance. Nicole manages to retaliate in such a way that she bigs herself and Ryan up. Impressive.
They then show clips of the judges being divas and invite us to vote, via the app, for the biggest diva. I'm alright thanks. Now Gifty, who is occassionally Gifty Louise. She's singing 'Lay Me Down' by Sam Smith in memory of her mother who died when she was young. It's no secret that I am a fan of Gifty (Louise) but this is very, very good. Very emotional and beautifully staged. I really hope they don't have a choir suddenly appear. They didn't. Good. Louis liked it but doesn't like her hair. Sharon liked it and her hair.
Oh grief. Five after Midnight. But first they are going to announce who the biggest diva is. Louis is beside himself. This is exactly the kind of holiday camp entertainment he likes. Nicole wins. So that's that over.
Now to ruin the mood some weird singing and dancing that the judges inexplicably love. They're going to do their own choreography this week and have a row about it in rehearsals. They then explain that they had a storming row because they love each other so much. OK. Someone pointed out that one of 'Five After Midnight' looks like Jake from Outnumbered. Once you see it you can't go back. They sing 'Valerie'. They were clearly too busy arguing /loving each other to practice much. I fast forward. Nicole claims they are relevant. To whom? Simon says it's terrible. Yes, Simon. YES. Sharon says that they make people happy. So does farting but we don't do that on national tv and there's a chance that it could sound better than whatever that was. 5am are thrilled that they got awful feedback so they can learn from it. This is the child on sports day who is happy they lost because they didn't want to win. Simon gets told off by Dermot for talking to Louis when he should be introducing his next act. Welcome back Dermot. Olly Murs never did that.
Sam is up next and starts by making us feel ancient by recalling her X Factor memories. She was six when Leona won. Six. She meets John Legend. There's a man in John Legends room who has been bad and must face the wall (it took me three more contestants to realise that this was the piano player). Sam is of course singing something in a rock style. This time it's 'Earth Song'. Was Michael Jackson a diva? Or simply odd. I think if I lived in a fun fair and wore a surgical mask people wouldn't be saying 'Oh she's such a diva', I think they'd be saying 'stay away children, she's had a hard life'. The song is fine. Could benefit from Jarvis Cocker getting his arse out. A memory Sam won't have, because she wasn't born. She is condemned to sing Rock for ever more. Well until they tell her she only sings Rock and needs to mix it up a bit.
Now I apologise for this next bit. Nicole didn't like it. So Simon accuses her of being jealous. This is the most infuriating argument men use against women. It is possible to dislike someone or something without being jealous. And the more you have to defend yourself the more jealous you look. So instead let's be rational about this. Do we really think that a platinum selling, broadway artist who has regularly been voted one of the most beautiful women in the world is jealous of a seventeen year old who's been made to sing Earth Song in a Rock style. No.
Now Matt. Any bets on when the high note is going to be hit? To prepare himself for this week he has a fake conversation with his friends. He's singing 'I'll be there' and he's got Gifty's choir. I think the high note is coming... he's off his stool. There it is. I think he may trap a bollock near the end as there is a yelp that doesn't seem planned. He also looks near tears at the end so either he mucked up or he's in pain. Simon says he has balls. This is true although they may not be plural anymore.
She's going to a dance break in this song. This is generous. She stops her appalling rendition of 'Ice Ice Baby' (was Vanilla Ice a diva?) then stands and looks awkward whilst some dancers, who will not be putting this on their cv, mill around her. Piss off Dear. There's a good girl. Louis loved it.
Now Relley. She visits Brian Freidman who is dressed as a cow. She also meets John Legend who has met Honey G and doesn't want to play anymore. Her voice cracks whilst she's singing to him as she has a cold. Bless her. It must be annoying when you know that this is your best week and your voice isn't going to hold up. She has a lovely voice. It's not her fault I hate this song. Louis says Birmingham in a very weird way. Sharon thought it was 'clean and predictable'. Yes, she should have dressed up as a fake rapper and done some awkward dancing.
Now Emily. She's going to John Lewis something to death. The VT is about Ryan and Emily's love. I don't care so I fast forward. She's singing 'How Will I know' and yep, singing it slowly. Unusual staging. She's singing it on a toilet. Now she's finished and is going for a walk. This is dull. And has nothing to do with being a diva. More about being a wimp who wants to flog you a fridge freezer in time for Christmas. Louis liked it. He said it sounds like a John Lewis advert. We've all moved on Louis. Nicole wanted the song to go somewhere. Home?
Now Four of Diamonds. I hope they've made up with the stylist. They're doing a mash up. Sort. They sing Lady Marmalade (awkward) and then stop and sing 'Bang Bang'. Singing two songs separately is not a mash up. All sounds a bit thin. Simon wants them to be more British so I reckon next week they'll be dressed as pearly queens singing a Chas and Dave/ Oasis 'mash up'.
Now Saara. Who will be going this week. Saara thinks we're not voting for her because she's not British. I'd say that's rubbish but, you know, Brexit. She sings a Bjork song whilst dressed as a loon. If in doubt, be the joke act. It's painfully awful. I suppose if you're going to go you may as well poo on the floor on the way out. Nicole thought she was dancing with sanitary towels. Simon thought it was incredible. She's going to be made to sing Europop whilst dressed as a banana every week now. She'll still go though, because, you know... Brexit. Results update: Saara didn't go. As long as she's insane and makes a tit of herself, she can stay. Relley went. Unfairly. Especially as Four of Diamonds made up their 'save' song as they went along.
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