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Monday, 7 November 2016

X Factor Live Show - Girlband vs Boyband

I got trolled last week. Properly. By a stranger. Someone actually took time out of their day to send me some abuse on instagram. They had some pretty strong feelings about Halloween. Apparently I don't like Halloween because I look like a witch without make up and besides Halloween is JUST A BIT OF FUN (unlike this blog, which is deadly serious). You know what, maybe she's right. What is more fun than dressing a child up as Satan? 
Anyway, this week there are no amazing costumes (or backcombing, Ryan's hair breathes a sigh of relief) and no scares planned, except for 5 After Midnight. It's Girlband vs Boyband week so let's look forward to people singing pretty much any song they like. Last week Gifty went home so I'd imagine everyone's VTs are going to be people reflecting on how shocked they are and how they've suddenly realised that 'anyone' can go home. It's like we've learnt nothing from Gamu. 

Dermot dances. Let's say no more. 

First up to perform is Matt, who is singing a Wham song. Are there any high notes for him to force in? Matt has been riding high so I reckon this is the week the judges turn on him. He comments in his VT that 'anyone can go', yes Matt in fact all except one will go. This week he also went to Mahiki to be a celebrity. I've been there - doesn't seem so exclusive now does it. Fun fact: Nicole and Matt consider singing a Wham song a 'risk'. Like he's lost his mind and has decided to sing a Lordi song. You know Lordi. A Finnish band who won Eurovision. Saara knows Lordi. That said, this rendition is pretty embarrassing so he may have been on safer ground with Lordi. He keeps whooping. This is meant to indicate he's having a good time. It merely highlights that we are not. Louis didn't like it as much as he liked Matt last week. Everyone else liked it and Simon makes a joke about Louis being gay. It's as hilarious as those jokes always are. 

Now Sam. She's singing a Girls Aloud song. Except - sound the 'singing any song' klaxon, it's actually a Pretenders song that Girls Aloud covered. This week Sam goes to see Rebecca Ferguson sing live. Sam meets her afterwards and says that she was only 12 when Rebecca was on the show. Rebecca doesn't punch her but instead smiles and thanks her for coming. And presumably for leaving. This week Sam isn't dressed as a rock chick courtesy of Top Shop, instead she's dressed as an alien who has come to earth and has to dress as a girl in order to infiltrate our society. This has been choreographed to have her throw her arms up in frustration a lot. It's like she's doing semaphore. I'm not really enjoying this. It's fine but she seems a bit off. She has the choir this week, they have clearly been told to wear something white. Some of them have had to borrow clothes. Ahhh she cries at the end. Don't cry Sam. Nicole thinks she sang the wrong song. Simon doesn't think she sung the wrong song. This is as interesting as it gets. 

Oh bum. Honey G. In her VT Honey G addresses her haters. She's going to be singing Kris Kros 'Jump'. She saw them in concert and they inspired her to be a rapper. She then gives an inspirational talk to some kids. They are five. She struts on to stage and sings 'Jump'. Her dance break is less body pump class and more like a dance game on the wii. Imagine a teacher deciding at the end of term that they are going to do a rap in assembly. This is as good and as embarrassing. Now instead of going back to the staff room and having people not look you in the eye and saying 'that was really good Neil', she stands in front of the judges . They say nice things but I am distracted by the insane close up of her face we are treated to. This is so we can see the judges in her glasses. Clever? Yes. Necessary? No. 

Ryan is singing the Beatles. As they are technically a boyband. By this logic so are Guns and Roses, The Doors, Simon and Garfunkel, The Glen Miller Band. In his VT Ryan is in self pitying mode and reading horrible comments about himself on twitter. He also mentions that certain people in the house think that he should have gone rather than Gifty. He mentions no names. My money's on Emily. Nicole tells him that in his performance this week he should 'let everything go'. Do not take this advice Ryan. He decides to 'take everything inside himself and leave it on the stage'. Deciding to do that means I am no longer welcome at the National. He's singing Twist and Shout. I quite like it. it's definitely his best week. Sharon however wants him to give more. What do they want from the poor boy? 

Four of Diamonds now. They re-live the sing off. As well you should - think about what you've done. They too read horrid tweets about themselves. Onward girls. Never look back. They talk about how much they love each other. Jolly good. They are singing 'Hold on' by Wilson Phillips. One of them can't sit down in her skirt and has to prop herself up against her stool rather than sit on it. I quite like this. A bit 1990's compilation reggae album but pleasant. The stylist is beginning to forgive them. Except the one in the jeans. 

Saara is up after the break. They'll probably make her sing B*witched and Irish dance whilst dressed as a leprechaun. 

Apparently Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Bayliss and Harding. This is true. Everyone should get one gift that is clearly in the 3 for 2 at Boots and says 'I didn't know what to get you but really wanted to do the offer'. 
Saara is singing 'Sound of the Underground'. Cue Louis making a comment about how much he hates Girls Aloud. In her VT Saara mentions several times how happy she is to have the support of the British people. Steady on there. I don't think we ever said that. She comes on stage dressed as a Geisha. Why? We don't know. For similar reasons she is straddling a canon. I think this is called being odd for odds sake. The song itself is dull. Which isn't surprising given the visuals it's competing against. Judges like her but not the staging. Simon announces that he loves nuts. Huge laugh. 

Now Emily. Time for a nap. She's singing 'One Direction'. And guess what? She's singing it slowly. And she's bare foot. Oh she's so kooky and alternative. It's dull. The judges love it. Louis thinks she's the future. For all we know he really thinks this. 

Now Five After Midnight. Ugh. They are however singing the best Spice Girls song (Say you'll be there) so there is hope. Please don't ruin it. In their VT they are upset about Gifty. I think we've discovered who Ryan was talking about. 
Oh they've ruined the song. Their outfits are horrifying. Just insane. Is this fashion? If it is then I'm well out of it. The judges give them a standing ovation. It probably is their best week, I'm just starting them from a very low standard. 

Predictions: Ryan, Four of Diamonds and Sam will be the bottom 3. Sam will get the lifeline and Four of Diamonds will go. Ryan will spin in to an existential crisis. 

BUT NO. Ryan is through. Bottom 3 are Sam, Saara and Four of Diamonds. Sam gets the lifeline. Four of Diamonds sing 'When you Believe' which isn't bad when it gets going. Saara sings a Jessie J song in the manner of a Fairy Godmother giving advice in a Disney film. 

Louis is the only one who saves Four of Diamonds. See you girls. 

My advice, not that they want it, stick to what you were doing at judges houses. And always be nice to stylists. 

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