It's Movie Week. So another round of 'sing any song you like'. Remember Gummo? Sam went last week in what seemed like a weird set up so lets all assume that Ryan is going to be having a break down this week. Dermot comes on and dances and then the judges come out. I miss the days of insane judges outfits. Sharon and Nicole always look nice but not bizarre. Makes you wish for the days of Rita or Tulisa even a Nick. Which isn't something you hear often.
Ryan is singing first. He calls himself the Comeback Kid. Cool nickname Ryan. He's going to sing 'Jailhouse Rock'. So he goes to the gym with Matt where he burns 2000 calories. It turns out that this is over the course of a week so I stop googling his workout routine. This performance is very Pontins. It's fine but I don't believe this competition is about producing a second rate Elvis impersonator. Bye Ryan. I feel quite sorry for him. He can sing but they have no idea what to do with him and he's not that sure himself. Louis gives the helpful comment that 'Matt is always going to be better than you.' Constructive. Simon makes a jibe about Louis being gay. Which is as hysterical as it's been for the last ten years.
Matt next. He's going to be singing 'The Writing's on the Wall'. Fulfilling the high note requirement for Matt. He skypes Nicole for advice. She looks amazing. I look like a potato on skype. I have to constantly readjust the camera so I only have 19 chins rather than 47. Sadly for Ryan, Matt supports Louis comment and is brilliant. His voice is spot on but he needs to work on his stage presence. He keeps giving little sideways glances. I think it's meant to be sexy and Bond like. He actually looks like a substitute teacher who's made someone stand in the corner and now isn't sure what they are up to behind them. The judges all love it.
Honey G. Her routine starts on a tube train. Sadly there aren't engineering works and she makes it to the studio. She's singing 'That's the way it is' mixed with 'Getting Jiggy with it'. I have worked out who she reminds me of in those tracksuits. Roland Rat. Although I would rather listen to 'Rat Rapping' on repeat than listen to her do whatever it is she does. I feel sorry for her dancers. They dreamed of more than this. The judges keep stressing that she rehearses more than any other contestant. That's as may be but she's still shit.
Now, to get the party started...Emily. Remember her promise? She's going to be fun this week. Fun and upbeat. She's singing the upbeat, fun song 'It Must Have Been Love' in the manner of a creepy baby who's been thrown in a frozen lake. Don't let Emily plan your birthday. This is exactly the same as every week Emily. Exactly. The. Same. Down to the weird staging. I am watching it in the same manner as every week. Which is bored to tears. Sharon says that she is a 'Young, hip Sarah McLaughlin'. Which I don't think anyone was waiting for. The judges love it. In keeping with the death theme of her performance Emily coughs all the way through the comments. No one asks if she's OK.
Ryan is singing first. He calls himself the Comeback Kid. Cool nickname Ryan. He's going to sing 'Jailhouse Rock'. So he goes to the gym with Matt where he burns 2000 calories. It turns out that this is over the course of a week so I stop googling his workout routine. This performance is very Pontins. It's fine but I don't believe this competition is about producing a second rate Elvis impersonator. Bye Ryan. I feel quite sorry for him. He can sing but they have no idea what to do with him and he's not that sure himself. Louis gives the helpful comment that 'Matt is always going to be better than you.' Constructive. Simon makes a jibe about Louis being gay. Which is as hysterical as it's been for the last ten years.
Oh.
Five After Midnight.
In their VT they go to Jordan's house to meet his family 'for the first time as a band'. Later I am going to my family's house to meet my parents for the first time wearing a pink hat on a Sunday. Special times. His brother is really milking his brother being on X Factor. His brother will go far (further than Five After Midnight). They're singing 'Try a Little Tenderness'. My goodness this is a shitstorm. It's like that brief moment in the early 2000s when cartoons were made in to full length films and it was compulsory for them to have a rap song in them. This is how Coolio ended up going from Gangsters Paradise to the Rugrats Movie. Sharon and Nicole loved it. Simon says it wasn't great. I love Simon. Louis says he's wrong because the audience liked it.
Now Saara.
She gets a video message from her family in Finland. They seem very sweet. I think her Grandfather may be Santa. She's going to sing 'My Heart will go on' Singing it whilst dressed as Kate Bush. Loads of people are playing violins laying down. I think it's meant to be arty. Oh and here's the wind machine. It's fine but the song is a bit done. There's nothing you can do with it except belt it out and even if you're dressed as a Victorian ghost it still sounds the same.
Matt next. He's going to be singing 'The Writing's on the Wall'. Fulfilling the high note requirement for Matt. He skypes Nicole for advice. She looks amazing. I look like a potato on skype. I have to constantly readjust the camera so I only have 19 chins rather than 47. Sadly for Ryan, Matt supports Louis comment and is brilliant. His voice is spot on but he needs to work on his stage presence. He keeps giving little sideways glances. I think it's meant to be sexy and Bond like. He actually looks like a substitute teacher who's made someone stand in the corner and now isn't sure what they are up to behind them. The judges all love it. Honey G. Her routine starts on a tube train. Sadly there aren't engineering works and she makes it to the studio. She's singing 'That's the way it is' mixed with 'Getting Jiggy with it'. I have worked out who she reminds me of in those tracksuits. Roland Rat. Although I would rather listen to 'Rat Rapping' on repeat than listen to her do whatever it is she does. I feel sorry for her dancers. They dreamed of more than this. The judges keep stressing that she rehearses more than any other contestant. That's as may be but she's still shit. Now, to get the party started...Emily. Remember her promise? She's going to be fun this week. Fun and upbeat. She's singing the upbeat, fun song 'It Must Have Been Love' in the manner of a creepy baby who's been thrown in a frozen lake. Don't let Emily plan your birthday. This is exactly the same as every week Emily. Exactly. The. Same. Down to the weird staging. I am watching it in the same manner as every week. Which is bored to tears. Sharon says that she is a 'Young, hip Sarah McLaughlin'. Which I don't think anyone was waiting for. The judges love it. In keeping with the death theme of her performance Emily coughs all the way through the comments. No one asks if she's OK.
I predict Emily and Ryan are the bottom 2 and Ryan goes.
Once again I was wrong. After being treated to a performance from School of Rock (which I never want to see), there is a performance from Craig David, even though he usually chills on Sundays. Then Ryan and Honey G are in the bottom 2. Ryan tries to save himself by singing wildly out of tune it's magnificently awful. But then Honey G sings 'Get Your Freak On' and pronounces on and Orrrrn. But the judges aren't going to lose the only reason people are watching and so Honey G stays. Bye Ryan
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