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Tuesday, 1 November 2016

X Factor Live Show - Fright Night

It's Fright Night. Completely randomly selected to coincide with Halloween. Completely random. OK? I hate Halloween. Don't understand it. But each to their own, if you enjoy celebrating the occult and teaching your children to beg whilst dressed as demons then you go ahead. Just don't expect me to stop thinking of your children as demons come November 1st. But anyway. We're going to celebrate the tortured souls and the undead through the beauty of music. I'd imagine all the girls will have 'sexy' costumes. Except Honey G. She'll be in a tracksuit. 
Dermot dances to 'Bat Out of Hell' surrounded by sexy zombies. All light hearted, family fun. Simon is wearing fangs. Nicole hasn't brushed her hair. Sharon is wearing her usual clothes and Louis isn't too sure where he is. You can vote before any one has performed. Is this right? They are also pretending that the show is haunted by the ghosts of Bravissimo. A ha ha ha. 
Gifty is first. Her friends come to visit her and they have a staged conversation. Apparently being in the X Factor house is 'different to what she is used to'. What insight. I had assumed she normally lived in a house with a shit rapper and was wheeled out to perform for votes once a week. Wearing a horrible suit she's singing a song called 'I'm in Love with a Monster'. This is by Fifth Harmony who has some how got a deal with UK X Factor whereby their entire album must be performed every week. It's fine. Gifty is good. Louis' dancing is a highlight. The judges like it. Louis makes the mind bending statement of ' every week you bring something different and this week the same'. 
Matt is next and he feels very lucky to be here so to give something back he goes to greet his fans. Well he wanders up and down the people queuing to get in and makes them pretend to be pleased to see him. He also went to the London Dungeon. He doesn't scare easily... I think we can guess what happens next. He sings 'I Put a Spell On You' and wears eyeliner. I think the backing dancers have zimmer frames. Are we scared of the elderly on Halloween? I would argue it's normally the elderly who sit terrified whilst enormous teenagers bang on their doors dressed in masks. Anyway. Elder terror is now a thing. The next song will be performed from walk in bath. It's a good performance. Simon can't talk with those teeth in. 
Oh grief. It's 5 After Midnight. This is scary. They're going to murder a song. They watch last weeks performance and realise how awful it was. Unfortunately they don't give up and instead go for the sympathy vote and tell us that one of them is about to become a father so needs to stay in a singing contest in order to support his new family. They are singing 'Thriller' but they are going to put their own twist on it. The performance starts with a sketch where they drink poison and come back as zombies. I think the poison has affected their voices as this is dreadful. Not sure what the dancing is. Maybe they have dead legs. Ho ho. Three judges give standing ovations - what? 
Oh goodness. It's Honey G. This week she has mainly been living as the UK's top rapper. she's also been 'learning her ad libs'. She's singing 'Men In Black' and starting it from the car park. Sadly the doors are open and in she comes. She can't even walk in time. She does a quick body pump class in the middle of her performance which is praised as a 'dance break'. Stop now. 

Nicole tries to introduce an act and Rylan pops up to scare her. She recovers and introduces Ryan. He relives how dreadful he was last week and says he's determined to bring back the fun this week. He's singing 'BackStreet's Back'. I once saw a seventy five year old man do this at karaoke so he's got a lot to live up to. HIS HAIR. HIS HAIR. He's also decided to sing it like he's trying not to wake up his parents but mainly HIS HAIR. 
Apparently this is his best performance to date. Sadly that's probably true. 
Next up is Sam. Who will no doubt sing something 'rock'. Oh yes 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. Is this a creepy song? It's an impressive set. A bit forced and ultimately forgettable. Louis thought it was 'modern'. Which sadly he probably thinks it is. Judges love it. 
After the break Saara. Who'll be made to leap about like a half wit for our entertainment as that is the only way we can tolerate foreigners. Saara uses her VT to tell us that she loves the British people. Yeah, yeah. Dance for us Finnish girl. She's singing the well known Halloween song 'Bad Romance'. She's singing it inside a church. A church on Halloween. Did no one question that? It's awful. Now she is an official comedy act she shrieks about and plays a fake organ. The judges love it. 
Now Four of Diamonds. Presumably gyrating in a synagogue. They are sad about last week so Louis gives them a spa day. Which is 'exactly what they need'. Or practice. They're singing 'Ghost' by Ella Henderson. This is terrible. Judges say they like it, why kick them when they're down? 
It's Emily after the break so I'm guessing she'll be terrified in a John Lewis fashion. Perhaps she'll come on stage and announce she's sold out of bread makers or say there's a UK hummus shortage. Or she'll sing a song in a plinky plonky nothingy way. Her VT involves her watching her performance last week which was her best yet. Hmmm. Bit odd. They then try and show that she is 'fun'. A bit like telling people you 'have a great sense of humour'. If you have to tell people, you're probably don't. Emily is about as fun as a brick. She's singing 'Creep' in a John Lewis style whilst dressed as a doll. I'm scared of dolls and don't like Radiohead or people singing songs in a weird way and thinking they're being different. So this probably isn't the performance for me. "What the hell am I doing here?". You tell me. 
The judges love it. 
My predictions. Bottom 3 - Ryan, Four of Diamonds and Saara. Saara will get the lifeline and Four of Diamonds will go. 
Oh I couldn't have been more wrong. Bottom 3 was Ryan, Four of Diamonds and GIFTY and the lifeline went to Ryan. How? This is what happens when children have mobile phones. 
The sing off. Gifty is brilliant. Four of Diamonds, not so much. Simon (after forgetting how this works) saves Gifty, Louis saves Four of Diamonds, Nicole saves Four of Diamonds (??) and so does Sharon. Bloody hell. Ridiculous. Gifty looks pissed off and rightly so. I love you Gifty. 
Gifty will later get in to trouble for looking annoyed that she had to go after a sing off with a mediocre girl band (who still haven't reconciled with the stylist) and before a novelty rap act. Be pissed off Gifty. Do it. 

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