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Monday, 28 November 2016

X Factor - Louis Loves

It's Louis Loves this week. Which as themes go is as good as any other. Let's face it. They could have Sex Pistols week and Matt would put some weird falsetto in and Emily would sit on the floor and sing it like a John Lewis advert. It's now down to the quarter finals which means that each act has to show their astonishing range by singing two songs. One that 'Louis loves' and one they've chosen themselves. Time for an evening of Westlife and Agadoo. 
Dermot comes on stage to 'YMCA'. Louis is gay in case you haven't picked up on the subtle references to it and being gay is the funniest thing in the world. Louis then Riverdances around and a dancer stacks it. Louis has never had so much fun. 
First up is Matt. He had a good week last week so he's really feeling the pressure. It's unclear where you have to come in the competition to not do a VT about how you are feeling the pressure. His old singing teacher comes to visit. They met when Matt was living in Spain. They clearly lived on some kind of Eldorado complex as she is American and he is English. Ahhh Brexit. Matt is going to sing 'Secret Love Song' by Little Mix as his Louis loves song. You know, Louis Walsh. Who constantly bangs on about how much he hates girl groups. Loves. Matt is doing that weird thing again where he gives weird sideways glances all over the stage. It's like something has gone wrong and he's trying to attract attention without stopping the performance. The voice may be saying 'Why can't I hold you in the street, why can't I kiss you on the dance floor' but the eyes are trying to tell an usher that some child has thrown up in the front row. The song is very quiet and boring until he goes bananas near the end. He does a 'sexy' look in to the camera at the end. My ovaries retracted and are now somewhere near my throat. Louis loved it. Sharon's excited to hear what kind of record he'll make. I think 'World's longest fingernails' or some kind of competitive eating. 

Now Saara. In her VT I thought Saara was being made to wear wacky costumes again. They're actually her every day clothes. She's singing 'The Winner Takes it All' I am only able to sing this song in this  style thanks to Rosie Ribbons. So the only way is up. She's wearing a Wonder Woman headress and a wicker basket on her head for some reason. Louis will love that. She's plonging away on a piano so we are going to be saved any detours in to disco. Ignore the headress and it's actually good. Judges love it and damn it so do I. Louis thinks it's good because she's Scandinavian and so can automatically sing Abba. 
Oh grief. Honey G. She was in the bottom two last week, only saved by Ryan finally going. She goes back to her Mum's this week to recover and her mum manages to get a sensible conversation out of her. She then plays 'You Can't Touch This' on a piano whilst Honey raps along. They must be a double act. Although I dream of the day my own mother says to me 'It's always been your dream to be a credible rap artist.' And may I draw your attention to the photo on the sideboard. 
The performance is as awful as you would think. She dances like a mascot at a theme park. As the judges give comments some pranksters invade the stage and Simon of all people goes to deal with them. I think Sharon would be more use. The rest of the comments are just people chanting 'Honey G'. 

Ugh. Five After Midnight. They went to a red carpet event this week. No mention of what it was for. My guess it was for a new carpet warehouse and they were trying out the samples. They're singing 'Uptown Funk'. One of them has the foulest, pubey beard. It's quite off putting. I am watching tonight's episode whilst I babysit my nieces and nephews. Before I arrived I was warned about my youngest nephews hair. He dislikes having his hair cut and so had got off the chair mid cut. Therefore his hair consists of one side shaved quite close. One side sort of shaved quite close and a bald bit from where he leaped. The top is long and he got his hands on a pot of gel and put the whole lot in his fringe. My niece observes that all of Five After Midnight's hair looks worse than that. The judges love it. 
Now Emily. She is sad that Ryan (her boyfriend) went home last week. So I'd imagine her song choice will be rocking. Her VT consists of the two of them saying their tearful goodbyes and wondering when they'll see each other again. The competition ends in a fortnight. She's singing 'Toxic' this week. Don't get excited. She's singing it on a ukulele. It's a little bit more upbeat than her usual fair but I'm not sure you could call it a new style. It's a bit Norah Jones. It sounds like something you would use on an advert to sell bowel inducing yoghurt in a quirky or fun way. Imagine a woman looking unhappy. She then eats a yoghurt to the sound of Emily's song. Cut to her skipping out of a toilet. Louis points out that she still hasn't moved and he wants her to dance. Sharon thought it was edgy. Yeah. Edgy like a globe. 
Now Matt again. Remember their second song is their own choice. He is singing 'Alive' by Sia. He watches a focus group critique him. Someone wants him to sing in a deeper voice and who'd thunk it, that's just what he's doing in this song. It's good and he got some squats in . His is not a natural stage presence. A little too measured. In the theme of Louis Loves; He reminds me of a young Michael McIntyre. 
Five After Midnight also watch their focus group. No one mentions their terrible hair so it lives another day. They are singing 'Sorry' and they should apologise for their backing dances trousers which are horrible. So horrible that no pictures exist. Technically this is good. I still don't like them. Simon didn't think it works but it's still one of their strongest weeks. 
Honey G is going to do a mash up of 'Push it' and 'Black Beetle'. She watches her focus group and is annoyed that she is seen as an entertainer rather than a rapper. Quite right. There is nothing entertaining about her. Once again no one knows what a mash up is. She stops singing one song and starts singing another. Good staging though. They make everyone do the mannequin challenge. Only ruined by a womble bumbling through them rapping. 
Emily is singing her own choice of the funeral march but she's going to make it her own by slowing it down. Some subtle product placement from Lenovo brings her to the decision that she is going to sing 'Human' by Rag 'n' Bone Man. She thinks it's a risk. It's certainly the most interesting thing she's done. She also dances. In the loosest, well tightest, sense of the word. We now know why Emily doesn't dance. It's fine. It's nice to see her doing anything else. Simon does the annoying clapping thing all through the comments again. Welcome back Simon Seal.
Saara has chosen to sing 'Diamonds are Forever' and 'Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend'. She designed the stage too and the costumes. She's also built the sets and did the catering (herring for everyone). She's singing from a cloud dressed as an ice dancer. This is weird but I quite like it. She can perform (Matt). I bet Louis loved this. 
My prediction: Honey G and Emily bottom 2. 
I was half right. It was Honey G and Five After Midnight. Honey G went. Finally. On the same night that Ed Balls left Strictly. I'm sure there's meaning in there somewhere. 

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