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Monday 9 November 2015

It's Time to Face the Music. X Factor Saturday Night Show

If it’s Autumn it must be X Factor. We’ve sat through weeks and weeks of auditions and they never found anything as good as this. But finally after auditions, boot camp and judges houses (why did Nick Grimshaw go to Center Parcs? Budget cuts?) we finally arrive at the Live Shows. Well actually we arrived last week but here we go with a run down of week 2. Last week Bupsi and Alien left. No great loss to anyone but as we catch up with the remaining contestants they all have to pretend to be sad about it less they appear unsympathetic.
It’s reinvention week. A theme up there with ‘This is Me’, ‘1980s’, ‘Songs from films’ and ‘Songs I once heard once that time’. This theme is a chance for the contestants to ‘make a song their own’. The equivalent of borrowing your neighbours dog and not giving it back. This is the only time that ‘That was unrecognisable’ is a compliment.
Caroline Flack and Olly Murs take to the stage. They seem to have finally mastered not speaking at the same time and now exude all the confidence and relaxed natural vibe of Prince Charles enjoying a break dancing display.
Time to meet the judges.  As usual Simon’s shirt is slashed to the waist. Unusually he has a black eye. This is credited to Anton having got overexcited and headbutting Simon. Given that the rest of his face looks like a collapsed bean bag and he can’t open his downward turned eyes it’s possible he has indulged in a spot of botox. Cheryl looks good. Nick looks like a child who’s won a competition and has borrowed his cousins suit. Rita’s dress proves that Mrs Rochester made it out of the attic and started a fashion line.
Finally. We are allowed to watch some people sing.

4th Impact
Their VT shows them losing their minds at the words ‘Mash Up’. Unlike last week they are not dressed as the Muppet Babies and are attempting to be current. They do this by singing a Girls Aloud song from 10 years ago. They sing ‘Sound of the Underground’ but get this, they do it in front of an underground train. You could put me in a room for seconds and I wouldn’t come up with that. They’re alright. I think they sound horrendous on their own but fine when they sing as a group. I see no indication that they made this song their own. Perhaps the reinvention is not being dressed as four year olds.

Mason Noise
See what he did there? Enjoy it, that was the peak of his creativity. Mason has a strop at the six chair challenge. He now has to apologise every week and do VT’s about how he’s not a dick. Mason is singing ‘Footsteps’. He makes it his own by developing a facial tic. This could be sexy winking. Rita comments that ‘Confidence pulled you off.” This could explain his facial expressions.

Oh it’s the John Lewis advert.



Anton
Anton used to be a backing singer. We are expected to feel sympathy for Anton. To fit the theme Anton is being reinvented as Wagner. He is singing ‘All About the Bass’ whilst girls dressed as gold speakers dance next to him. From the look in his eyes he’s hating it as much as I am. Bye Anton.

Kiera Wethers
She survived the sing off last week. To punish her Rita is making her sing ‘Return of the Mac’. IN A MAC. That coat will be off half way through the song. It’s a bit cack. They keep making her dance. The coat stayed on which was a nice surprise. Cheryl declares it ‘Good enough’. Nick claims that ‘if you’re having fun, we’re having fun, everyone watching is having fun.’ Nick is wrong.

Ché Chesterman
I am distracted whenever I see Ché as he reminds me of a guinea pig in a suit. He has decided to be ‘all about the voice’. This is because Ché can’t dance. He decides to make ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ his own. As is traditional and showcased in every single John Lewis advert to make a song your own you sing it really slowly over a plinky plonky piano. This is radical and different and I will fight anyone who says differently. I make a cup of tea, the judges go slightly over the top in their praise.

Louisa
Louisa is seventeen. Make a note of that. It will be mentioned seven million times before this competition is over. She sings ‘Billie Jean’ and is made to dance with a chair. My favourite part was her looking over her shoulder to find the chair before she sat down. According to the judges this is her acting her age. Sure. Who wasn’t competing to become an international pop star at 17? We’ve all been there.

Seann Miley Moore.
The extra N isn’t a typo. We learn from his VT that it is ‘harder to sing the classics’. Right. After nearly singing ‘Downtown’ he ends up singing ‘California Dreaming’ whilst holding a leaf. Strangely it works. Saturday night actually benefits from a man in a kimono singing a Mama’s and the Papa’s song in the style of Bonnie Tyler. Rita is so thrilled by it that she decides to try out a few new words. Some of which she had only heard that day and isn’t entirely sure what context to use them in or what they mean.

Monica Michael
Monica is the wildcard. She is singing Beyonce and to make it her own she is singing it slowly. But in your face Monica, Beyonce already did that in Fifty Shades of Grey. For some reason they decide to have her recreate the Bond Titles and put her in a dress which makes her look incredibly uncomfortable. Think it is summed up by Cheryl’s comment ‘How did you feel about that performance?’

Max Stone
Did I miss a bit where it was established that he can only sing whilst accompanied by a ukulele? He has a nice voice. He’s singing ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’. He’s making it his own by singing an exact replica of  Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version. Oh hang on he’s segued in to ‘What a Wonderful World’. For some reason his staging involves a group of people sitting at his feet and looking at him. According to the judges ‘It’s a bit different’. How dull are their lives if this is a bit different?

Reggie and Bollie.
Remember how for years we’ve all been saying that we need a new Chakadeemus and Pliars but with all the humour and flair of the Chuckle Brothers? No? Well you’ve got them. Deal with it. I think it’s crap. The judges think it’s amazing. Be careful public, this is how we got Jedward.

Laura Murray
Bellows a song. Bit like someone from Geordie Shore doing karaoke. Again I am wrong. Apparently she is the future of music. Much like Anton she has to be saved from her appalling former life. She’s a dental assistant.

You may notice that the theme stopped being mentioned a few contestants ago. This wasn’t my decision.


Who will go? Keira. Keira will go. And if there is any justice Reggie and Bollie. But there isn’t so it will be Anton. Simon stitched him up for head butting him and ruining his beautiful, deflated face. 

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