X Factor - Love and Heartbreak Resutls Show

My word Rita loves a wide leg trouser.

After a mini recap we immediately go to the group song. They’re singing ‘Fell in Love in a Hopeless place’. Worth watching for Anton bellowing like a hip Grandad. Then another recap for those with amnesia. Or for anyone who’s been watching for three months without having a clue what’s going on.

Nathan Sykes performs. He’s from the Wanted apparently. He plays a jazzy piano and plays a song that is legally different from ‘All of You’ by John Legend. There’s then some awkward chat with the judges before Olly performs.

Hey Olly. If you’re trying to do a new job it’s probably best not to come out and do something you’re infinitely better at. The only downside was that he accidentally stumbled in to an aerobics class to sing but is carrying on bravely.

Why do the dancers have to wear up the bum swimming costumes? Olly is allowed to wear clothes. They could do their job and be clothed from the waist down. Shit like this is why I keep showing my nieces Bananarama videos. ‘Look they’re pop singers and they’re allowed to wear dungarees’. I’ve decided I am going to become a pop  star. JUST  so that I can wear jeans and a t-shirt and lead Olly Murs around the stage by his penis. For no reason at all. The song will be about catching a bus or something but for staging reasons he has to have his lad hanging out his trousers for all live performances. In an awful post song chat with Caroline Olly pretends he chose those outfits himself. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH UGH. Olly couldn’t choose bloody pick and mix.

Results.

Safe

Lauren – Goes bananas.

4^th Impact – Happy and wavy

Louisa – Jumpy

Reggie and Bollie – Oh dear. Anton angry.

So the bottom two are Anton and Ché. Do we need to bother with the sing off?

Ché sings Alicia Keys. He makes it his own. Unrecognisable and warbly. Then he goes nuts. Impressive but do you have to do it all the time? Just sing.

Anton sings. He is intense to a powerful degree. Don’t make him go back to being a West End performer and backing singer. The horror! He sings that George Michael song about turning stuff down. Exclusively heard on talent shows. Wisely there are few close ups. He’s chosen to sing it like someone squaring up for a fight in a car park.

Nick saves Ché

Simon saves Anton.

Rita saves Ché

Cheryl saves Ché. She says it’s not personal. Anton clearly thinks that’s bollocks. Congratulations Anton. Although you’re officially not a winner you have stayed true to the spirit of X Factor which is the belief that even if you sing songs that are twenty years out of date in the style normally seen in crap cabaret, you STILL believe that you are a credible and viable recording artist.

Keep on believing. That kind of thinking leads to this: