Here come Caroline and Olly. Caroline is auditioning for a
role in Chicago. Judges all come out with their acts. Except Simon who comes
out to ‘All by myself’. This is actually pretty funny. Not as funny as Rita who
has come as a male ice dancer. Everyone is singing two songs tonight. One
chosen by the public (twitter, there weren’t elections) and one by the judges. This
is in keeping with the policy of ‘any song ever written’. 
Louisa is up first. The public allegedly want her to sing ‘Love
Yourself’ by Justin Beiber. A song I inexplicably love. With any luck this
performance could be the cure. In her pre-song VT her friend comes over and
they have a staged conversation. Then she sings. It’s not as good as usual,
weirdly awkward and stilted. Belt it out love. Oh here we go. It’s not really
improved it. The jarring key change didn’t help, never mind, we can’t all be
Westlife. Her face shows that she knows it wasn’t good.
Cheryl liked it. Simon thinks she looks tense. Apparently
she’s not well. Didn’t do a VT about it though did she 4th Impact?
Nick liked it.
4th Impact are up next. This week they did an
interview with Nick AND met Fleur East. Is Fleur stalking the new contestants?
Popping out occasionally to say ‘A year ago I was you. Now look at me. In a
years time you could follow X Factor contestants around and tell them that this
could be them.”
They sing ‘I’ll be there’ dressed as bridesmaids. One of
them hits a high note really badly. That is the best bit. Cheryl is loving it.
Simon was pleasantly surprised. He must have been expecting Armageddon.
Nick liked it.
Bloody hell. Reggie and Bollie. If Twitter has any sense it
will make them sing opera. Instead it’s ‘Whip Nae Nae’, which I am assuming is
popular with the youth. Wow. This is a completely new break out style. Oh no.
My mistake, it’s the same as every other week. They go to Winter Wonderland
this week for reasons unknown and get this, they meet Fleur East. For the
performance their kids come out and dance with them. They also, cunningly, stay
on stage for the judges verdict. This is the equivalent of using your kids as a
human shield.
Nick liked it.
Lauren goes to Essex this week and meets some orange people.
She is not allowed to meet Fleur East. She’s singing ‘Light Up the World’ Which
apparently is called ‘Firestone’. If they had any sense they’d use some of
those orange people as stage decorations for a literal translation. Instead she’s
standing on some tube tracks with a train coming towards her. Which is fine
because she spends half the song pretending to be a siren. Simon thought it was
the wrong song.
Nick liked it.
Human guinea pig Ché is next. He is clearly traumatised
about last week but has to pretend he isn’t. He’s going to sing ‘The biggest
song in the world.” Yes, he singing ‘One million Green Bottles’ ‘Hello’
by Adele. But this is Ché so he could well sing it to the tune of ‘One million
Green Bottles’.
Has he screwed it up? Or is this a new style? I think he’s
mucked it up. He claws it back, sort of. If that was an arrangement then that
was pretty strange. He sung it in a way which implied he’d never heard the song
before. Which as we all know is impossible. The judges solve the mystery, it
wasn’t planned but Rita congratulates him on making up his own melody. This is
the same school of thinking that claims that ‘all spellings are valid’. This is
how we end up with kids called Bephany.
Nick liked it.
They all sing another song. 4th Impact first. They’re
actually singing a ‘mash up’ oooh sounds the alarm (Lauren will do). They’re
hoping to use these songs to explain who they are. I’m hoping for SClub 7 style
intros, including Rachel doing her thing. Note: This is Rachel’s thing:
They pretend to be dolls. It’s not that bad. Simon gets a
clap for knowing their names. They’re written in huge letters behind them.
Nick liked it.
Ché meets his dad. Not Fleur East. He sings ‘Try a Little
Tenderness’. It’s sticking to what he knows. And it’s fine. His jacket however
is beyond foul. If they were hoping for slimming stripes they failed. He looked
like Sandi Toksvig. It’s dull and boring but on the positive side he knows the
words and 70% of the tune.
Nick liked it.
There is an ominous threat in Lauren’s VT. They are going to
make her look uber glam. Her hair and make up are actually OK. Her dress is
not. No idea what the song is. Sounds like an Andrew Lloyd Webber filler song
from a lesser known musical. One you sing in front of the curtains whilst they
change the scenery. She turns in to a car alarm again. She can’t walk in her
dress and heels. Glam! Cheryl thinks the song makes her relatable. Who hasn’t
dressed up like Joan Collins and bellowed power ballads from a fire escape?
Nick liked it.
Reggie and Bollie go on Nick’s breakfast show. They’re
singing ‘Dynamite’ out of time and badly. But they jump nicely and they were
able to use the same drum track from every other song they’ve sung. They’ve
written their own rap, it includes the words ‘We’re on X Factor so we can’t
complain’. I’m not and I can.
Nick liked it.
Louisa is singing a power ballad. I have no idea what the
words or tune should be but it sounds about right. She clearly means it as she’s
doing the ‘mean it squat’. Everyone knows you only mean a song if you squat
like you’re pooing in the woods. Simon and Rita give her a standing ovation.
Cheryl thought it was better than her first song AND she’s ill. No chair
demands though.
Nick liked it.
Based on that Ché can get out and take Reggie and Bollie
with him. But it’s actually going to be Lauren and Ché.
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