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Monday 16 November 2015

X Factor - Live Show Week 3 - We're Gonna Sing Some Songs From The MOVIES (sort of)

It's never easy for an entertainment show to come on air shortly after terrible world events. But, all credit to the X Factor, they handled it pretty well. Change any songs which could be considered controversial, short and heartfelt statement from Simon and then business as usual. 
It was movie week on the X Factor. Also known as the usual category of 'any song, ever heard'. This was hammered home in series 6 of X Factor when Jamie Afro sung 'Crying' from the world famous film 'Gummo'. Name a song that is not in a film. There's your theme. The standard for the evening is set at knee high level when Olly and Caroline attempt to recreate a reasonable double act the lift from 'Dirty Dancing'. 

Oh here come the judges. They all look disappointingly fine. Except Rita. Who is wearing something that probably seemed like a good idea at the time. She also can't walk in it and has to be guided on and off the stage by Nick. It is reminiscent on the final years of the Queen Mother. 

Finally it's time for some actual singing. Mason Noise is up first He survived the sing off last week so has to prove that he can be a credible and relevant artist. In his VT he goes home to Birmingham and his Dad tells him that he has to be himself. "You're on that show 'cos you're Mason Noise''. Well technically you're on that show because you auditioned, you got through, you had a tantrum and you were deemed preferable to other people who are better than you.  Anyway to prove himself and be himself he decides to sing 'Men in Black'. Nick declares that it is 'Criminal not to use his gift'. Presumably this is a gift for novelty rap. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if the trip to Birmingham and his declaration that he wanted to  be himself means anything then he should be singing 'Funky Moped'. Instead he's being himself by rapping in a fake American accent and exactly replicating someone else's work. This may not be the culmination of Mason's dreams. 
This is dreadful. But Rita loves it. Look at Rita's dress. She can't be trusted. Cheryl loves it. Simon thinks that Mason is 'different'. Well no one else is singing this. Nick loved it. He found it 'exciting'. Nick screams on the teacup ride. 

Next up is Max Stone. What's he going to sing in a reggae style tonight? I'm guessing 'We Don't Need Another Hero' on a ukulele. I'm wrong. It's a song by Bruce Springsteen from Jerry Maguire. Max and his permanently worried face are in a fake forest for unknown reasons. Oh the songs called 'Secret Garden'. Very good. 
This is also appalling. 
No ukulele. 
These two statements may be linked. It sounds a bit like he's singing along to the radio but isn't too sure of the words or tune. 
Nick liked it (shocking) but wanted more emotion. He wanted it to directly recreate the film. 
Rita liked the pace. I don't know if she expected him to sing it faster than the music but as long as she's happy. 
Cheryl has never heard the song before. What a shame this was her introduction. 
Simon reveals that Max sang this for his girlfriend. If I was her I'd be packing my bags. 

Oh it's the Mog Sainsburys advert. Oh this is nice. Doesn't really encourage you to get a cat though. 

Louisa Johnson is next. She wants to sing 'Lady Marmalade'. She is seventeen. Rita wisely tells her that she can't. This is the best decision Rita has made. Instead she sings 'Everybody's Free' from Romeo and Juliet (and aqua aerobic classes up and down the land). 
Rita says this makes her feel like she's just had a roast dinner. Louisa wants to be an inspiration...like Leona Lewis. 
I'm just going to leave both those statements there. Do with them what you will. 
She's very good. It makes me sad that she is judged alongside Reggie and Bollie. The judges love it. As they should. Oh grief, after the break it's Reggie and Bollie. Let's have an advert break to prepare. 

MUPPETS. And they're advertising giant crumpets. I need both these things. 


Monica Michael. 
Hopefully this week she is wearing something that makes her look less like a Madam. She had to change her song at the last minute. She's now singing 'What is Love'. I have no idea what film this is from. It's also not the Howard Jones song. I thought it was and she'd just really made it her own. It's good. No idea what it's from though, and neither does google. Judges like it to. There's an overwhelming sense of relief that she's not been styled like last week. 

Reggie and Bollie are next. Cheryl wants to show their voices off. Oh Cheryl. They sing 'My Heart will go on ' before segueing in to 'Who Let the Dogs Out'. This is forced fun. See also glamorous granny competitions and anything involving whipped cream and balloons. You feel you should be enjoying it and don't want to be a bad sport but you hate everything about it and want to go home. 
Best summed up as 'Who let the dogshit out'. 
Simon refuses to believe there is a film called 'Rugrats the Movie'. From a man who released a Power Rangers song. 

Now Anton. Just when you think it can't be any worse than last week it is announced he's singing 'I have Nothing' from the Bodyguard. Anton watches back last weeks performance which includes an excellent plug for Talk Talk. Unless his TV has been hacked. Anton wants a standout performance. For some reason this involves everything being in black and white except for his blue jacket. He sings in the manner of a toddler having a tantrum, lots of breath holding and bearing down. Nick loves it but doesn't like people closing their eyes. Fun fact, every time Nick closes his eyes he wonders where the world has gone. 
All comments are positive - bye Anton. 

4th Impact next. One of them collapsed back stage but is still performing. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE A FUSS. They sing 'Work it Out' from Austin Powers. I have the same issue as always. Great harmonies but individually they're bloody awful. I have no idea what the backing dancers are doing. They get a standing ovation and as if on cue the ill one has to sit down and sip water. Never mind that she was twirling around minutes earlier. Just get off the stage love. She's like the ill person who insists on coming to work then spends the day telling you how ill they are. Draping themselves over printers and sighing and coughing. GO HOME. 

Laura Murray's VT is a strange thing. They make her walk the streets of her home town to see people's reaction. She goes to where she has her nails done every week. She comments that everyone knows who she is. Yes love, you go there every week. She is singing 'One Last Time' by Ariana Grande. It's good (in a bellowy way) 

Then Ché. I'd forgotten him. I have dedicated whole hours this week to trying to find a picture of a guinea pig in a suit. I couldn't. So I drew one. You're welcome. 


He's wearing a leather jacket. Oooh he's a bad boy. Or a market trader. 
He is singing 'When a Man Loves a Woman'. The only note I have written for this is 'Sing the fucking tune'. I completed a level of candy crush whilst watching this. 
He gets a standing ovation - ugh. 

If there was any justice it would be Reggie and Bollie and Mason to go. 

There isn't so it will be Anton and Mason with Max saved. 

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