X Factor - Love and Heartbreak. Saturday Show.

Sticking to the normal over-arching theme of ‘Any song, ever’ the official theme this week is ‘Love and Heartbreak’. So unless someone is going to sing that one about a moped by Macklemore they can sing literally anything. It’s a double eviction again tonight (they may have spent too long faffing around wit

h judges houses and six chairs) but in a twist – one act goes tonight. Ooooh. Olly can’t say elimination. This is the funniest thing Caroline has ever heard.

Here come the judges. Rita is doing this on purpose now. Today she is Liberace inspired by Pat Butcher. It is beyond foul. We enjoy some awkward banter and then comes the first contestant. Human guinea pig Ché.

This week his girlfriend has come to visit and inspire him. Well it is love and heartbreak week. He’s so inspired by seeing her that he decides to sing a song about a dead relative. He’s singing ‘Yesterday’. Now there is generally a rule. If you are at a national event, live television show or bingo on a Wednesday it is decreed that Paul McCartney will turn up with a piano and sing ‘Hey Jude’. Singing a Beatles song is like saying ‘Candy Man’ five times in a mirror. Paul will appear.

Hang on, he might not, as this is completely unrecognisable. Ché has decided to change the tune to some howling and warbling. Fair enough, the Beatles weren’t known for their tunes. You often listen to the White Album and think ‘what this needs is a fifth round X Factor contestant to add some polish’.

Just sing the tune you be-suited Guinea Pig.

Nick and Cheryl stand up. Perhaps they have piles. Rita forgot who he was singing. This is a compliment. Backstage Paul is packing up his piano. No ‘Hey Jude’ for you.

Anton is next. In his VT we immediately learn that Anton is sad. We know this before we see him because of the sad music. To cheer him up his dog comes to visit. Anton is singing ‘One Sweet Day’. He’s singing it in the style of a constipated serial killer auditioning for the role of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It’s terrifying. And not enjoyable.

Nick doesn’t love it. Anton loudly and bizarrely claims that he’s not putting on an act. If Nick goes missing check Anton’s floor boards. Rita says it’s awful and Anton is fine with that as she didn’t say he was fake (neither did Nick). Anton then repeatedly apologises to Nick. This is uncomfortable. And it’s still going on. GO TO ADVERTS. Adverts. Thank heavens.

Now it’s 4^th Impact. We re-live the medical drama from last week and then they skype the family. Who are very far away. These two things are just randomly mentioned by the way. They are not in any way a cynical ploy for votes. They are singing ‘Ain’t No Other Man’. For love and heartbreak week. Not your traditional first dance. It’s fine if you like growly singing and slightly awkward flirting with the camera.

Now Lauren. She met Fleur East and Alan Carr this week. So she’s peaked. Lauren is singing a song that has helped Rita through heartbreak. I have literally never heard it before. Oh yes I have it’s ‘We Belong Together’ by Mariah Carey.  It’s very ‘Roxies Nightclub in 1997’. Mixed bag from the judges. Simon criticises the backing dancers. Like Lauren has spent the week choreographing them. Her face reflects this opinion.

Now Mason Noise. For some reason he is filmed pretending to work at his old job and then (to show how much his life has changed) he goes to Westfield.

He’s singing ‘Jealous’ by Nick Jonas. I am jealous of people who haven’t heard this. Now he’s dancing sexily with a lady dancer. They’ve paid her Mason, she doesn’t really like you. Don’t get any ideas.  Judges are not thrilled. Bye Mason.

This week Louisa goes to see her Dad at a building site. It’s no Alan Carr. But gosh doesn’t this show me how down to earth and relatable she is? No. She’s  singing ‘Let it go’ by James Bay. She’d be better off with the Frozen version. The judges love it. But they were going to weren’t they really.

Oh grief. It’s Reggie and Bollie. They go and see their family . They seem like nice people. Perhaps they should spend more time there and stop singing dreadful songs on the X Factor. They’re singing ‘Shut Up and Dance with Me’. Romantic. It’s shouty and all it’s missing is a vuvuzela. Simon predicts they are going to be in the final. Remember – Simon thought Bupsi was a credible finalist.

Who’s going to go tonight? Anton.

Who’s going to go tomorrow? Mason.

Lauren will be in the bottom two as well. Now a performance by Rudimental and Ed Sheeran. There’s lots of ticker tape and this rather derails the post performance interview. The judges ignore the multi million selling Ed and instead throw confetti at each other. Those krazeee guys. Ever the professional Olly Murs continues the interview and manages to get an exclusive: Ed Sheeran is looking forward to Christmas.

Now it’s the flash vote.

Lauren is safe - bang goes my predictions

Ché is safe – Screams yes to a completely unrecognisable tune

Louisa – goes nuts. I doubt she is that surprised.

Reggie and Bollie – play vuvuzelas.

So it’s down to Anton, Mason and 4^th Impact. Mason goes. “How would you sum up your time on the show Mason?”

“Sorry”