X Factor - Live Show Week 3 - We're Gonna Sing Some Songs From The MOVIES (sort of)

It's never easy for an entertainment show to come on air shortly after terrible world events. But, all credit to the X Factor, they handled it pretty well. Change any songs which could be considered controversial, short and heartfelt statement from Simon and then business as usual. 
It was movie week on the X Factor. Also known as the usual category of 'any song, ever heard'. This was hammered home in series 6 of X Factor when Jamie Afro sung 'Crying' from the world famous film 'Gummo'. Name a song that is not in a film. There's your theme. The standard for the evening is set at knee high level when Olly and Caroline attempt to recreate a reasonable double act the lift from 'Dirty Dancing'. 

Oh here come the judges. They all look disappointingly fine. Except Rita. Who is wearing something that probably seemed like a good idea at the time. She also can't walk in it and has to be guided on and off the stage by Nick. It is reminiscent on the final years of the Queen Mother. 

Finally it's time for some actual singing. Mason Noise is up first He survived the sing off last week so has to prove that he can be a credible and relevant artist. In his VT he goes home to Birmingham and his Dad tells him that he has to be himself. "You're on that show 'cos you're Mason Noise''. Well technically you're on that show because you auditioned, you got through, you had a tantrum and you were deemed preferable to other people who are better than you.  Anyway to prove himself and be himself he decides to sing 'Men in Black'. Nick declares that it is 'Criminal not to use his gift'. Presumably this is a gift for novelty rap. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if the trip to Birmingham and his declaration that he wanted to  be himself means anything then he should be singing 'Funky Moped'. Instead he's being himself by rapping in a fake American accent and exactly replicating someone else's work. This may not be the culmination of Mason's dreams. 
This is dreadful. But Rita loves it. Look at Rita's dress. She can't be trusted. Cheryl loves it. Simon thinks that Mason is 'different'. Well no one else is singing this. Nick loved it. He found it 'exciting'. Nick screams on the teacup ride. 

Next up is Max Stone. What's he going to sing in a reggae style tonight? I'm guessing 'We Don't Need Another Hero' on a ukulele. I'm wrong. It's a song by Bruce Springsteen from Jerry Maguire. Max and his permanently worried face are in a fake forest for unknown reasons. Oh the songs called 'Secret Garden'. Very good. 
This is also appalling. 
No ukulele. 
These two statements may be linked. It sounds a bit like he's singing along to the radio but isn't too sure of the words or tune. 
Nick liked it (shocking) but wanted more emotion. He wanted it to directly recreate the film. 
Rita liked the pace. I don't know if she expected him to sing it faster than the music but as long as she's happy. 
Cheryl has never heard the song before. What a shame this was her introduction. 
Simon reveals that Max sang this for his girlfriend. If I was her I'd be packing my bags. 

Oh it's the Mog Sainsburys advert. Oh this is nice. Doesn't really encourage you to get a cat though. 

Louisa Johnson is next. She wants to sing 'Lady Marmalade'. She is seventeen. Rita wisely tells her that she can't. This is the best decision Rita has made. Instead she sings 'Everybody's Free' from Romeo and Juliet (and aqua aerobic classes up and down the land). 
Rita says this makes her feel like she's just had a roast dinner. Louisa wants to be an inspiration...like Leona Lewis. 
I'm just going to leave both those statements there. Do with them what you will. 
She's very good. It makes me sad that she is judged alongside Reggie and Bollie. The judges love it. As they should. Oh grief, after the break it's Reggie and Bollie. Let's have an advert break to prepare. 

MUPPETS. And they're advertising giant crumpets. I need both these things. 


Monica Michael. 
Hopefully this week she is wearing something that makes her look less like a Madam. She had to change her song at the last minute. She's now singing 'What is Love'. I have no idea what film this is from. It's also not the Howard Jones song. I thought it was and she'd just really made it her own. It's good. No idea what it's from though, and neither does google. Judges like it to. There's an overwhelming sense of relief that she's not been styled like last week. 

Reggie and Bollie are next. Cheryl wants to show their voices off. Oh Cheryl. They sing 'My Heart will go on ' before segueing in to 'Who Let the Dogs Out'. This is forced fun. See also glamorous granny competitions and anything involving whipped cream and balloons. You feel you should be enjoying it and don't want to be a bad sport but you hate everything about it and want to go home. 
Best summed up as 'Who let the dogshit out'. 
Simon refuses to believe there is a film called 'Rugrats the Movie'. From a man who released a Power Rangers song. 

Now Anton. Just when you think it can't be any worse than last week it is announced he's singing 'I have Nothing' from the Bodyguard. Anton watches back last weeks performance which includes an excellent plug for Talk Talk. Unless his TV has been hacked. Anton wants a standout performance. For some reason this involves everything being in black and white except for his blue jacket. He sings in the manner of a toddler having a tantrum, lots of breath holding and bearing down. Nick loves it but doesn't like people closing their eyes. Fun fact, every time Nick closes his eyes he wonders where the world has gone. 
All comments are positive - bye Anton. 

4th Impact next. One of them collapsed back stage but is still performing. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE A FUSS. They sing 'Work it Out' from Austin Powers. I have the same issue as always. Great harmonies but individually they're bloody awful. I have no idea what the backing dancers are doing. They get a standing ovation and as if on cue the ill one has to sit down and sip water. Never mind that she was twirling around minutes earlier. Just get off the stage love. She's like the ill person who insists on coming to work then spends the day telling you how ill they are. Draping themselves over printers and sighing and coughing. GO HOME. 

Laura Murray's VT is a strange thing. They make her walk the streets of her home town to see people's reaction. She goes to where she has her nails done every week. She comments that everyone knows who she is. Yes love, you go there every week. She is singing 'One Last Time' by Ariana Grande. It's good (in a bellowy way) 

Then Ché. I'd forgotten him. I have dedicated whole hours this week to trying to find a picture of a guinea pig in a suit. I couldn't. So I drew one. You're welcome. 

He's wearing a leather jacket. Oooh he's a bad boy. Or a market trader. 
He is singing 'When a Man Loves a Woman'. The only note I have written for this is 'Sing the fucking tune'. I completed a level of candy crush whilst watching this. 
He gets a standing ovation - ugh. 

If there was any justice it would be Reggie and Bollie and Mason to go. 

There isn't so it will be Anton and Mason with Max saved. 

We Faced the Music - Sunday Night Results Show

As sure as night follows day. A result show must follow a night of distinctly mediocre karaoke. Here come the judges. They all look fine. Except Rita. She is dressed as Celine Dion at the Oscars. Nick could stand to do a few buttons up. 
Now it's time for the best part of the night. The Group Song. This week it's something 'very special for Rememberance Sunday'. Also translated as 'something horrific with members of the armed forces made to stand on stage'. They sing 'Fix You'. Which includes the lyrics 'Could it be worse?' Well I could be there live and not have access to a mute button. All the contestants are trying hard to show just how much they care. This unfortunately has the affect of making them look like they care about nothing other than themselves. 
There follows an endless recap. Please immediately re-read the previous post. For once the recap is handy. I had completely forgotten about the existence of Kiera. Probably won't be a problem for much longer. 
Fleur East performs. I didn't watch the X Factor last year so I have no idea who she is but she came second and now she's back to prove she's a pop star and perform for the judges and show the contestants what they could one day be. Much like returning to your old school. Although you don't have to go back to your old school in a glittery leotard and gyrate on the teacher's desk. She's very good. Oddly obsessed by sax. Is this something from last year or a recent development? 
Then Cee-Lo Green sings. That must have been a proud day in the bookings department. He's wearing a onesie made of flowers and looks like Babarpapa. I can't understand a word he is singing. Apart from 'woah'. It's something about fried eggs being music to his soul. He also has some contestants from Double Dare as his backing singers. Least he's enjoying himself. It's worth noting that he's the only celebrity I've seen who's gone to the effort of remembering ONE of the contestants names. So when he's asked who he likes he can say a name. Rather than mumbling that he likes them all. Well done Cee-Lo. 



Finally it's the results. Bottom three are Kiera, Mason and Seann. Seann? Kiera is swiftly dispatched without even a best of. Think of it as a blessing Kiera. You would have been made to sing 'Sweat (lalala long) whilst wearing salopettes if you'd stayed in much longer. 

The sing off is between Mason and Seann. Mason sings 'End of the Road' in annoying wobbly voice while his best bits play in the background. Sorry appears in large letters. Just go. 

Nick sobs. 

Seann sings a song I have only heard on talent shows. He shits all over Mason. Not literally that would be a staging decision too far. 
Simon sends Mason home. 
Cheryl sends Mason home. 
Rita remembers to make it interesting and sends Seann home
Nick has a breakdown and sends it to deadlock. 
Bye Sean. The only interesting talent in the whole thing. 

Rita and Nick are going to be told off by Uncle Simon. 

It's Time to Face the Music. X Factor Saturday Night Show

If it’s Autumn it must be X Factor. We’ve sat through weeks and weeks of auditions and they never found anything as good as this. But finally after auditions, boot camp and judges houses (why did Nick Grimshaw go to Center Parcs? Budget cuts?) we finally arrive at the Live Shows. Well actually we arrived last week but here we go with a run down of week 2. Last week Bupsi and Alien left. No great loss to anyone but as we catch up with the remaining contestants they all have to pretend to be sad about it less they appear unsympathetic.

It’s reinvention week. A theme up there with ‘This is Me’, ‘1980s’, ‘Songs from films’ and ‘Songs I once heard once that time’. This theme is a chance for the contestants to ‘make a song their own’. The equivalent of borrowing your neighbours dog and not giving it back. This is the only time that ‘That was unrecognisable’ is a compliment.

Caroline Flack and Olly Murs take to the stage. They seem to have finally mastered not speaking at the same time and now exude all the confidence and relaxed natural vibe of Prince Charles enjoying a break dancing display.

Time to meet the judges.  As usual Simon’s shirt is slashed to the waist. Unusually he has a black eye. This is credited to Anton having got overexcited and headbutting Simon. Given that the rest of his face looks like a collapsed bean bag and he can’t open his downward turned eyes it’s possible he has indulged in a spot of botox. Cheryl looks good. Nick looks like a child who’s won a competition and has borrowed his cousins suit. Rita’s dress proves that Mrs Rochester made it out of the attic and started a fashion line.

Finally. We are allowed to watch some people sing.

4^th Impact

Their VT shows them losing their minds at the words ‘Mash Up’. Unlike last week they are not dressed as the Muppet Babies and are attempting to be current. They do this by singing a Girls Aloud song from 10 years ago. They sing ‘Sound of the Underground’ but get this, they do it in front of an underground train. You could put me in a room for seconds and I wouldn’t come up with that. They’re alright. I think they sound horrendous on their own but fine when they sing as a group. I see no indication that they made this song their own. Perhaps the reinvention is not being dressed as four year olds.

Mason Noise

See what he did there? Enjoy it, that was the peak of his creativity. Mason has a strop at the six chair challenge. He now has to apologise every week and do VT’s about how he’s not a dick. Mason is singing ‘Footsteps’. He makes it his own by developing a facial tic. This could be sexy winking. Rita comments that ‘Confidence pulled you off.” This could explain his facial expressions.

Oh it’s the John Lewis advert.

Anton

Anton used to be a backing singer. We are expected to feel sympathy for Anton. To fit the theme Anton is being reinvented as Wagner. He is singing ‘All About the Bass’ whilst girls dressed as gold speakers dance next to him. From the look in his eyes he’s hating it as much as I am. Bye Anton.

Kiera Wethers

She survived the sing off last week. To punish her Rita is making her sing ‘Return of the Mac’. IN A MAC. That coat will be off half way through the song. It’s a bit cack. They keep making her dance. The coat stayed on which was a nice surprise. Cheryl declares it ‘Good enough’. Nick claims that ‘if you’re having fun, we’re having fun, everyone watching is having fun.’ Nick is wrong.

Ché Chesterman

I am distracted whenever I see Ché as he reminds me of a guinea pig in a suit. He has decided to be ‘all about the voice’. This is because Ché can’t dance. He decides to make ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ his own. As is traditional and showcased in every single John Lewis advert to make a song your own you sing it really slowly over a plinky plonky piano. This is radical and different and I will fight anyone who says differently. I make a cup of tea, the judges go slightly over the top in their praise.

Louisa

Louisa is seventeen. Make a note of that. It will be mentioned seven million times before this competition is over. She sings ‘Billie Jean’ and is made to dance with a chair. My favourite part was her looking over her shoulder to find the chair before she sat down. According to the judges this is her acting her age. Sure. Who wasn’t competing to become an international pop star at 17? We’ve all been there.

Seann Miley Moore.

The extra N isn’t a typo. We learn from his VT that it is ‘harder to sing the classics’. Right. After nearly singing ‘Downtown’ he ends up singing ‘California Dreaming’ whilst holding a leaf. Strangely it works. Saturday night actually benefits from a man in a kimono singing a Mama’s and the Papa’s song in the style of Bonnie Tyler. Rita is so thrilled by it that she decides to try out a few new words. Some of which she had only heard that day and isn’t entirely sure what context to use them in or what they mean.

Monica Michael

Monica is the wildcard. She is singing Beyonce and to make it her own she is singing it slowly. But in your face Monica, Beyonce already did that in Fifty Shades of Grey. For some reason they decide to have her recreate the Bond Titles and put her in a dress which makes her look incredibly uncomfortable. Think it is summed up by Cheryl’s comment ‘How did you feel about that performance?’

Max Stone

Did I miss a bit where it was established that he can only sing whilst accompanied by a ukulele? He has a nice voice. He’s singing ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’. He’s making it his own by singing an exact replica of  Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version. Oh hang on he’s segued in to ‘What a Wonderful World’. For some reason his staging involves a group of people sitting at his feet and looking at him. According to the judges ‘It’s a bit different’. How dull are their lives if this is a bit different?

Reggie and Bollie.

Remember how for years we’ve all been saying that we need a new Chakadeemus and Pliars but with all the humour and flair of the Chuckle Brothers? No? Well you’ve got them. Deal with it. I think it’s crap. The judges think it’s amazing. Be careful public, this is how we got Jedward.

Laura Murray

Bellows a song. Bit like someone from Geordie Shore doing karaoke. Again I am wrong. Apparently she is the future of music. Much like Anton she has to be saved from her appalling former life. She’s a dental assistant.

You may notice that the theme stopped being mentioned a few contestants ago. This wasn’t my decision.

Who will go? Keira. Keira will go. And if there is any justice Reggie and Bollie. But there isn’t so it will be Anton. Simon stitched him up for head butting him and ruining his beautiful, deflated face. 

Ballooning

Hot air ballooning actually happened. 
Sometime ago now but I had to cancel writing this blog post four times before actually writing it. Little hot air ballooning joke for you there. Us balloonists laugh at these things. 
There are few things worth getting out of bed at 4-30am for. Perhaps a house fire but otherwise it's almost always better to stay put. But if you ever get the chance to watch the sunrise from a hot air balloon then leap out of bed. Or wait, go at sunset and imagine it in reverse. 

This spot of hot air ballooning came courtesy of my friend Emma who had been given it as a Christmas present from her mother a couple of years ago. The idea is that you ring the ballooning people about 8 hours before the flight and they tell you whether it will go ahead or not. Our trip was rearranged 4 times and was put on hold when I left the country for 6 months, so neither of us has really factored in that it would ever actually happen. Therefore the fact that Emma wasn't well didn't really worry us as we were convinced the flight wouldn't happen. 
And then it did. 
And Emma couldn't come and it was too late to cancel. So myself and another friend used the flight - Happy Christmas Emma! 
Oh but it's magnificent. Although I am terrified of flying I felt no fear being a few thousand feet up in a wicker basket with a flame thrower. The only slight moment was when we crossed Luton Airports flight path and the balloon pilot kept pointing out the planes above us and telling us that we didn't show up on radar. Not really something I needed to know, but what was I going to do? Get out? 
What was strange was how quiet it was. You couldn't hear motorway or traffic noise, you could occasionally hear pigs as we flew over farmyards (loud bastards) but mainly it was just quiet. It was also gave me a good chance to see how many giant trampolines there are - answer: tons. It would seem that if you have a back garden you are obliged to have an enormous trampoline taking up most of it. 
We floated around for about an hour. We were steered mainly by the wind and then depending on where we ended up we had to look for somewhere to land. We found a field and then hunkered down for landing. It was all remarkably smooth and we then wandered around in a field until a minibus appeared to pick us up. We then toasted ourselves with champagne and were given certificates. We thoughtfully got one for Emma but changed it to reflect her non participation. 
If you get the chance to do it then go for it. There really is nothing like it. 

So What Have You Been Up To?

There are few phrases that inevitably strike fear in to someone's heart. 
"Did you manage to get all that done for the meeting this morning?" (Meeting? What meeting? What was I doing for it?) 
"Let's go round the circle and get to know each other. Tell us something interesting about yourself" (I am not interesting and I doubt you are either, let's just keep quiet). 
"Come to my interpretive dance show! It's very emotional". (No.)

But the one that is said more often than any other is one that I also fling at other people. "So what have you been up to?" 
To be fair it's a fairly reasonable conversation opener. It implies (faked or otherwise) interest in the person's life and it allows them to go in to as much or as little detail as they like. I chuck it around like it's going out of business, but when it's turned on me I have absolutely no idea what to say. I think my reticence comes from giving up a full time job to freelance and write. I feel like I should in some way defend this decision. I also feel that I should some how explain how I spend my days (I sometimes go to work, I sometimes sit in my pyjamas and write, I spend too much time on buzzfeed). Ultimately I feel that I haven't really done anything. Much like everyone else. 
So what is up with me?
 I have got very in to crumpets. 
I keep accidentally going on holiday. 
It would seem that I celebrated the arrival of spring by burying all my jumpers somewhere. Winter is coming and I am cold. 
I witnessed a car accident which is now going to court. I had to draw an account of what happened. The picture is so bad the crash investigators are going to have their work cut out trying to establish what happened. 
I have yet to unpack from holiday. 
I have successfully avoided going to any interpretive dance shows. 
How about you? What have you been up to?

Not Air Ballooning

I didn’t go hot air ballooning yesterday. This may not sound that remarkable. There were many other things I didn’t do yesterday. I didn’t do any lion taming, I didn’t go to Canada, I didn’t drink a pint of my own sick. The difference is that I had an appointment to go hot air ballooning at five o’clock in the morning and fully intended to see the sun rise whilst standing in a wicker basket inches away from a flame thrower. However, it was cancelled. For the third time.  Each time has been because of ‘weather’. Each time it has been different weather and one of them I am convinced the pilot just wanted to sit in the sun and eat an ice cream.

It is getting to the point that I feel quite confident that I could be a hot air balloon pilot. There is no actual flying involved, you simply have to leave a message on an answerphone saying that it’s been cancelled. I could do that.

I am possibly being slightly harsh and I am still very much looking forward to our rescheduled flight. Weirdly, although I am terrified of flying, I have no fear at all about being in the air in a basket. It seems quite a gentle way to see the countryside and bimble about. Of course I’d imagine that it could turn nasty quite quickly if a huge gust of wind got you (I suppose that’s why they cancel so many flights) or if the bottom fell out the basket (I suppose that’s why they make you tell them your weight). But unless it’s Richard Branson related you don’t here much about hot air ballooning gone wrong. There’s certainly no ‘Hot Air Ballooning’ disaster movie genre. Perhaps this has lulled me in to a false sense of security.

Imagine how differently we would view things if there was a series of ‘Balloon!’ films. They’d certainly be easier to cast and be able to be made on a much smaller budget. ‘Snakes on a Balloon’ would be thirty seconds long as the offending snake could simply be picked up and thrown over the side of the basket. In turn this could lead to the sequel – ‘A snake fell out the sky and landed on me’. I honestly think that the worst thing that could happen in a balloon would be that you haven’t worn enough warm clothing. Which, given that they cancel flights if it’s not a perfect 22 degrees with no wind speed and no moisture in the air, is unlikely to happen.

Whilst we’re on the subject, please don’t take time out to send me the details of all the horrific things that can happen in a hot air balloon. I really don’t want to know. I have to get on a plane in 3 weeks and I am already wetting myself about that. I don’t have the time for another fear. I am too busy writing the screen play to ‘Snakes on a Balloon’. Set deep in the heart of the British countryside, balloon pilot Samuel L Jackson gets the shock of his life when he actually has to pilot a balloon (the weather conditions being favourable). But this is no ordinary flight. There’s a grass snake on board. Samuel and his three passengers have to decide what to do as their balloon flies dangerously close to the M25.

It’s a winner. 

Heatwave!

Heatwave! A proper, honest to God heatwave. Not our usual four days of 18 degrees and we start putting fire warnings out but a solid week of temperatures around 30. Peaking at 38, which was slightly unnecessary but if you’re going to do it then you might as well do it properly. It also meant I was able to sit in a park at 9-30 at night, not freeze and see a beautiful sunset. 

Not that everyone else thinks that we are doing it properly. Australia launched the slightly saracastic hashtag #prayforLondon as they mocked us for issuing advice on how to deal with the heat. Apparently in 38 degrees they don some Uggs, wrestle a dingo before heading home to eat hot soup under a duvet. It possibly escaped their notice that they are built for heat in a way that we are not. Air con is more of a novelty than a necessity here. It’s also a bit rich coming from people who think 19 degrees in winter is cold.

We also didn’t really help ourselves. We had the obligatory pictures of people jumping in the fountains at Trafalgar Square, of an over crowded Brighton Beach and the Daily Mail telling us we were going to die and issuing screaming headlines telling us that London was ‘Hotter than Johannesburg’.  Well yes Daily Mail, it’s winter there.

I’m sure we’ll all calm down soon. But lets enjoy it’s while it’s here. Let’s just all drink a bit more water while we’re doing it and I’m sure we’ll be fine. It’s probably best to ignore Paul Gascoigne’s tweet: “ If you know of any old people try&get them out the house today as some might find it hard to breath indoors plus try to check there ok xxx” That’s not a thing. I admire the sentiment and would encourage you to check in and get to know your elderly neighbours, but please don’t drag them out of their cool houses and in to direct sunlight. It won’t be appreciated.

It’s also best not to do what I did either. I headed to the beach with thirty thousand other people (we weren’t all in the same car) and got stuck in traffic. Whilst sweating away in the car I decided to drink two litres of water. Just to let you know, drinking gallons of water in a traffic jam is not a good idea. And no, if you put the windows up and try to make the water ‘evaporate’ out of you, it won’t work.

However if you are heading to the beach this summer can I make a recommendation? Take my book with you. It’s not out in paperback and can be purchased on amazon. Do it. You might regret it but I won’t. Buy the 'Joy of Depression'

And if you do like it... leave a review!